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Eugene Mirman Had The Best Entry In Samuel L. Jackson’s Monologue Contest (And The Morning Links)

By / 05.30.13

Yesterday, Samuel L. Jackson asked the Reddit community to “write 300 words [and] the most upvoted post I’ll read out loud in monologue form.” Film Drunk has more on it, but I’d like to bring your attention to Eugene Mirman’s entry, which begins with “God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her p*ssy with cream cheese,” and it only gets better from there. Read the whole thing below. (Via)

72-Year-Old Patrick Stewart Ate His Very First Slice Of Pizza — (UPROXX)

Taco From The League Is Using Kickstarter To Raise $500 Million So He Can Be ‘Super Rich’ — (WG)

Tom Hardy bought a cancer patient a diamond necklace — (Film Drunk)

Let’s Help Ray Charles The Blind Golden Retriever Drop The Puck At A Bruins Game — (With Leather)

How Does Superman Shave His Beard? — (Gamma Squad)

The Art Of Seduction (Kinda Sorta), As Told By French Montana — (Smoking Section)

Of All The Golf Carts, This Is The Most Packers One — (KSK)

The Station Agents Ep. 23: Who The BLEEP Are You, Bob Benson? — (Pajiba)

27 Insane (But True) Early Versions of Famous Characters — (Cracked)

11 Neil Gaiman Quotes on Writing — (Mental Floss)

7 Classic Simpsons Jokes In Foreign Languages — (College Humor)

The Smartest Star in Hollywood. Yes, Bradley Cooper. — (Grantland)

10 Famous Literary Characters That Are Significantly Younger Than You Think — (Flavorwire)

LeBron James: King of Flop — (Clip Nation)

5 Actors You Want to Fight Because Of The Roles They Played — (Bro Bible)

God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her p*ssy with cream cheese. Why? I don’t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then — BAM! — “Fill my p*ssy with cream cheese! I f*cking dare you!” I’m sure of two things — she’s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it’s not even f*cking real cream cheese. She’s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it’s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-sh*t. Can’t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.

I’ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I’m pretty sure her p*ssy is eating it! Ha! Who would’ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world’s nuclear reactors, I’d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?

I didn’t really play Truth or Dare growing up — once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he shit himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I’m a scary motherf*cker.

It’s funny, down here, I’ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to — I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.’s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I f*cking love you. (Via)

(Banner via Nadia Chaudhury)


TAGSEUGENE MIRMANMORNING LINKSSamuel L. Jackson

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