So here’s the thing. I’ve been covering the late night shift here at Uproxx for a couple of months now and I just leave the TV on while doing the writing. After the late night shows end, I just get too lazy to change the channel and catch the early parts of Ricki Lake’s syndicated show before I fall asleep.
Usually I only catch the first few minutes before shutting things down but sweet bananas in pajamas I had to stick around and watch this segment featuring “psychic” Joan Marie Whelan. Whether you believe in psychics or Ricki Lake or not, you’ll watch this video and know that Whelan is the absolute worst f*cking psychic of all time.
Let’s watch. Warning. This is the dumbest thing on TV in TV history. Possibly.
Jesus. Whelan takes on three subjects and basically relies on the most blanket statements imaginable to say absolutely nothing at all. Here, look as I summarize the predictions.
Subject 1: You have a lot of “wiring” in your stomach so you have pain or tingling or discomfort in your leg and you had some sort of abandonment issues and sadness at some point in your childhood. You also have daddy issues. Do you sing? No? Well, it was because you were probably touched as a kid.
That is the look of a woman who just realized she’s been fed a bag of sh*t.
Subject 2: So since you volunteered as a single person and you’re in your 50s it’s clear that you have shyness and troubles finding love. You also have abandonment issues from nine until your teenage years. Also, someone you know has breast cancer and you’d like for someone to take care of you financially. You’ll be in a relationship at some point in the next two years. Because I’m a psychic and I know these things.
Subject 3: (My favorite) Hey old Black guy, I think you like Jazz. Also, old Black guy, someone you know is diabetic. You also have regret – not because you’re old and every old person has regret – but because I’m a psychic. You should also eat your vegetables and you eat too much salt because I’M A PSYCHIC DAMMIT! You need proper medication, not because you’re old, but because I’m a psychic.
This all reminds me of that Chappelle Show skit where he based his readings on stereotypes.
I want more like this!
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