Before we dive into this week’s episode of True Blood and continue to dissect the shortened sixth season at the halfway point, I wanted to take a moment to express my longtime fondness for the manner in which each episode is named. I’ve always kind of enjoyed how the episodes are named after songs, as I’ve sometimes had to look them up to find out the artists responsible for them, in the case that I’ve found myself tappin’ my toe to a catchy little ditty.
This week’s episode title, though – “F*ck the Pain Away” (song by Peaches) – only makes me think of one thing: the South Park episode “Butters’ Bottom Bitch” and the undercover police detective dancing in drag at the frat party. So thank you, True Blood, for making me watch and enjoy that episode all over again.
Now let’s get on to the thing that has my fangs sharpened most…
True or False: Nobody should expect this season to solve anything, because Season 7 is a go.
This is good news for us fans, obviously, but it’s also the most frustrating news because it probably means that some of the current storylines won’t be resolved and we only get 10 episodes this season, because Anna Paquin had to go and get pregnant instead of thinking about what we wants. She’s so selfish, that Sookie Stackhouse.
True or False: SARAH NEWLIN IS THE WORST. SHE’S JUST THE ABSOLUTE WORST EVER AND I HATE HER SO MUCH.
“When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her.” Yeah, that’s fine, and I agree with that very important line, but she is manipulating the governor for her own agenda and he’s too blind with rage over Eric turning his daughter into a vampire that he’s just letting her continue pushing him into this massive war.
And Sarah’s telling the governor that she wants to get married, but what happens as soon as he tells her that it’s not the time?
BOOM! Two tickets to bone town with Jason Stackhouse, but she’s just using him, too. Sarah is seriously the worst.
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True or False: Hold up, everybody. Sarah’s about to become pretty awesome.
Damn you, True Blood. I am only a mere mortal, made of flesh and blood. I was not prepared for that at all.
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True or False: NOPE. SARAH IS STILL THE WORST.
Okay, so thanks to Sarah, Jessica now joins Tara and Pam in camp. Sarah’s also responsible for the governor’s daughter being in the camp, too. Again, I’m just going to change the name of this weekly episode recap to “Sarah is the Worst.”
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True or False: Let’s back up real quick. Jessica is really, really fun when she’s high on faery blood.
So before Jessica ran off to Jason’s house and felt up Sarah right after asking Jason if he ever loved her, she was still freaking out after eating Sheriff Andy’s faery daughters. Of course, faery blood makes vampires high as a kite, and Jessica went psycho horny on Bill. Jessica continues to be the best in the world.
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True or False: Oh man, poor Andy.
While I can’t figure out what exactly Andy can actually do to get revenge against Bill and Jessica for his daughters becoming a snack, I imagine that he’s going to go down fighting. Maybe he’ll get some help from Jason and whatever he’s cooking with the vampire task force, but I can’t imagine they’ll have much success.
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True or False: Bill has way more on his plate already with his new relationship with Warlow.
So it turns out that Warlow actually hates vampires and being one, so he wants to put an end to the entire race. The problem with that is we now know how Warlow became a vampire.
Since Bill is also now Lillith, he’s Warlow’s master. Of course, that means that Bill now plans to use Warlow to fulfill whatever destiny that Lillith had planned for vampires and I wonder what that means for Sookie’s little hand nuke that she can only use on one vampire. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.
True or False: Vamp Camp does not appear to have a waterslide or capture the flag.
At first I was like, “Oh no, Bill’s vision of Eric and Pam burning with the other vampires at camp is going to come true!” But then I realized that Eric walked his own ass right into camp and he’s going to lead the war against the humans from the inside out.
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True or False: You can’t mess with Pam’s brain.
I was also worried for a moment that Pam was actually going to turn on her own kind and tell the camp faculty how to destroy vampires so she can stay well fed, but Pam’s a diabolical b-word, and she’s clearly not playing along with the fat guy from Constantine. But maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m right.
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True or False: Sarah thinks that she and the governor are going to watch Pam and Eric destroy each other.
Again, I don’t see this happening the way the governor expects it to. Obviously, there’s blood on the glass in the preview for next week’s episode, which means someone got hit with the stake, but Eric isn’t killing Pam and vice versa, because…
That’s why.
True or False: Jessica and Tara also apparently owe No. 1 something.
I didn’t realize the ranking system on their prison-issue garb at first, but it’s interesting that the vamp camp management knows how each of them falls into their own pecking order.
True or False: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.
I don’t even care if Alcide finds Emma anymore. The fact that this has been dragged out over five episodes is just nonsense.
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True or False: It turns out that Warlow isn’t so bad after all, and he just wants to protect Sookie because he thinks he loves her.
Well, if he can ever get away from Bill, I’m guessing Sookie would like Warlow to do a little protecting. Also, when he said that he’s a prince, I expected him to shout, “I’m an honest-to-God prince!” like Lone Star in Spaceballs.
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True or False: Lafayette needs to just zip his lips and not go summoning any Stackhouses. Not Corbett or Michelle. Hell, don’t even call Jerry Stackhouse.
Nobody’s calming down, Lafayette. You done goofed on this one.
And now Sookie might be dead. Of course she won’t be, but until next Sunday, she’s drowning in a swamp. See you all then.