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What’s On Tonight: Sex, Lies, and Zumba

By 08.06.13

alexis_wright

Suits (USA Network, 10 p.m.) — Last week was another overcooked episode full of forced movie references. Man, I love this show! Don’t let the fact that a couple of movie-reference supercuts went viral steer the direction of the writing. The references for the sake of references should be left to the Internet.

The Chase) (Game Show Network, 9 p.m.) — SERIES PREMIERE. I didn’t know anything about this, but the title had me hoping that it involved a host chasing people into caves, and then the contestants would have to play that game where you could either choose to save your own life or the lives of six other people and if you let the six strangers live, your family got a million dollars, and if you chose yourself, then you got stoned to death by the studio audience. Sadly, it’s just another quiz show. BOOO.

Extreme Weight Loss (ABC, 8 p.m.) — In tonight’s episode, a 414 pound woman learns how to snowboard. Well, that’s nice.

Sex, Lies and Zumba (TLC, 10 p.m.) — This special explores case that was HUGE here in my home state of Maine, but I didn’t think anyone outside of here would give a damn (and maybe they don’t!). A Zumba instructor was running a prostitution ring out of her class for years, and hell if the lady wasn’t taping all of her “sessions,” allegedly for blackmail purposes. Naturally, it all leaked, and there was all kinds of crazy scuttlebutt involving the release of 150 of her client’s names because they were all like lawyers and doctors and regular people and sh*t. You’d pick up the newspaper one morning, turn to your wife and say, “Hey, looks like old so-and-so down the street was paying for sex.” “Oh really? Well, good for Charlie.” They released the names 15 at a time, so it was like Christmas for gossiping locals every time we picked up the newspaper. Yeah. That’s probably a really bad story if you don’t live in Maine. Apologies.

Hard Knocks (HBO, 10 p.m.) — The good news is, that football season is just around the corner. The bad news is, Hard Knocks is covering the Cincinnati Bengals again. Give us Rex Ryan again or GTFO.

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: President Obama is on Leno, y’all. That should make for high ratings and lousy TV. Nick Offerman is on Kimmel; Diane Kruger is on Ferguson; Jane Fonda is on Fallon; Liam Hemsworth is on The Daily Show, and Conan has Neil Patrick Harris.


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