The 10 Bloodiest, Booziest Moments From Last Night’s ‘Boardwalk Empire’: ‘All In’

HBO’s Boardwalk Empire is one of the most sprawling and involved shows on TV, with a cast the size of a beer barrel (or at least equal to The Wire). So all this season, the show’s fourth, we’ll be breaking down the 10 most bloody and boozy (and booby) from every season, beginning with last night’s premiere, “All In.”

This would turn out to be only the second most gruesome prank. At least fatty got a sponge bath out of it.

Enough said.

At least six all-white University of Alabama frats own that exact flag. Anyway, Dunn’s made his move, literally. He travels from the Onyx Club up to Harlem, under the guise of his mama in Baltimore falling ill, to visit Valentin Narcisse. Excuse me, Dr. Valentin Narcisse. He proves his allegiance by waiting for the good doctor after previously having been kicked out of his office for bringing in illicit heroin money, and further shows he’s a man of loyal intentions when he roughs up a nobody smoking on a stoop. Narcisse sees Chalky as a “duppy,” and he won’t rest until he punishes and wipes out these blood suckers. Dunn is his willing wooden stake.

Capone and Van Alden are threatening Tyrion and Bronn for the TV Couple I’d Most Like to See Get Their Own Spin-Off Buddy Comedy. Capone wants the undertaker to work for him, busting kneecaps and cracking skulls, by leaving O’Banion for good. And if he does, they’ll sell his wife’s homemade aquavit. Van Alden’s stiff, yet menacing talents aren’t being appreciated in a flower shop, cutting and delivering the world’s saddest bouquet of daisies. The decision is made later on in the episode, when one of O’Banion’s employees recognizes Van Alden and before he can get away and tell his bosses what he saw, first Van Alden then Capon guns him down in the woods.

Being a nice guy does you no favors in this world. Kessler’s given an important task to accomplish for Nucky, and before long, he’s being led away by prohibition agents after a night spent getting drunk, singing German songs, and wearing only the finest white carnation, all because he couldn’t walk away from Ralph Capone’s dinner recommendation. Knox’s weakest link in the chain is the only semi-decent human in Nucky’s world. I’m scared.

Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

See?

I’ll say this much about Boardwalk Empire: it’s not afraid to show a dead kid who can’t stop shitting, which should be the solution to all bully problems. (Take THAT, Breaking Bad?) The quicker this story comes to Willy getting kicked out of school and joining his father’s line of work, which is what I’m hoping is going to happen, the better.

“Please allow me to introduce myself/My name is M-E-Y-E-R.”

Perhaps the “show all your cards” symbolism is a bit on-the-nose, but through a smoky, all-night poker game (with the voice of Michael from GTA 5!), Nucky learns who he should and shouldn’t be doing business with. Shouldn’t: Arnold Rothstein. The more he loses, the more he childishly bets, a warning sign that should and does chase any prospective partners away. Should: Meyer Lansky. To quote the man himself back in season one, “All you have to do is recognize an opportunity.” Lansky patiently listens to his own advice, and after making his pitch to Nucky (the sentence “…more money than the president of the United States” may have come up), he’s now all in.

Damn. So close to ending three straight episodes with a brutal murder.

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