I have never seen an episode of FX’s American Horror Story because it looks creepy as hell and if I wanted to eek myself out that badly I’d probably just look at this picture of a goblin shark real quick instead. (Do not click on that link.) BUT, I do watch a lot of shows on FX and FXX — The Bridge, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, Parks & Rec reruns, etc. — and that means I have been exposed to all the teaser trailers for the latest season of the show, American Horror Story: Coven, quite a few times. Too many times. There is a thing that happens with a snake. I’ll get to in a minute. I need a few minutes to collect myself first.
Anyway, there are eight of these weird, vague teasers, not including the most recent one, which actually shows footage from the upcoming season. I will now rank them from least to most terrifying.
This one isn’t so bad. It’s just a bunch of girls floating against the wall in a mostly empty room, which, considering the title of the teaser is “Detention,” appears to be some sort of teenage witch punishment. What do you think they did to deserve it? I bet they organized a drinking party. Conjuring up bottles of Rumple Mintz and whanot.
Okay so now there’s a girl just hovering above a staircase. This one is scarier than the last one because it’s not as easy to invent a scenario around it that involves a blowout high school party thrown by witches. It’s a complicated formula I’m working with here.
Putting aside minor issues like how brainmeltingly scary it would be to get buried alive, this teaser isn’t so bad. The lady in the coffin actually looks kind of relaxed, like maybe she’s cool with being locked inside a wooden box with six feet of earth between her and fresh air. If that’s the case, I mean, hey, who I am to judge, right? Whatever gets you through the day, creeps.
It appears the partying witch cheerleaders from the first teaser (they are cheerleaders now, try to stay with me) didn’t learn their lesson, because now three of them are getting burned at the stake. I bet they knocked off a bank. One of them probably got all jittery and ended up shooting a guard. Boom, second-degree murder, for all of them. I’ve seen it a million times.
But here’s the thing: They aren’t tied to the stakes. They’re just floating in front of them, above the flames, and then at the last second they all snap their heads and look at the camera. This is the point in these rankings where things begin to take a turn.
Here is a lady with giant pins stuck in her. There are no hard-partying, bank-robbing teenage witch cheerleaders. I do not like this at all.
Well this is a pretty creepy poster, what with all the pins again and OH GOD IT’S MOVING SOMEBODY SHOOT IT.
Allow me to state this in the clearest terms possible: If you walk up to a house — any house, no matter how nice it is — and there are floating witches flanking the columns and a mostly lifeless, mostly naked human with the head of a farm animal laying in front of the door, you turn right around and go back home. You don’t ask questions, you don’t stop and stare, and you sure as hell don’t go inside. I shouldn’t have to explain this to you people.
No. NO. NO.
I lied. I’m still not ready to talk about this video. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Someone should be arrested for putting it on television. I demand justice. Call Nancy Grace.