Last time, on Top Chef: “We’re cooking in a swamp?” “Bro!” “These people are really talented.” “But I’ve never cooked alligator :(” “Go home, Ramon.”
So what’s up this week? Creole quickfire? Etouffe elimination? Probably! What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
– We pick things up right where last week left off, with way too many chefs talking among themselves in one room. The lady from last week is STILL crying. It’s been a week, lady. I have no idea how television works.
– And we’re going right into a quickfire challenge. It’s gumbo. GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO. Who wouldn’t be excited about a gumbo quickfire?
– To be fair, this guy is never excited about anything. I don’t know his name yet, so I’m just going to call him “my favorite” for now.
– The good news is that the evil producers are not making them serve gumbo in 30 minutes. They get to cook back at the house, then finish up at the Top Chef kitchen in the morning. The catch is, Emeril will taint three of their roux with his bodily fluids. But which roux? And which bodily fluid? That’s for Emeril to know, and Padma to find out.
– The guest judge is Leah Chase. Everyone claps. I nod quietly, so that my dogs don’t suspect the horrible truth. I’m not entirely sure who that is.
– He probably doesn’t even know who Lean Chase is. My damn head. It is shaking.
– Back to the house, where everyone suddenly has their own crock pot. Is somebody going to tell me who manufactures those, or am I supposed to just guess?
– Carrie from Iowa is married to a guy from Trinidad, so her gumbo will have an island inspiration, with a corn topping. Sure, why not?
– Meanwhile, the guy who doesn’t know how to make gumbo is making an Italian/Asian gumbo because why wouldn’t that work? I mean, they’re supposed to make this gumbo a reflection of themselves, so almost everyone’s gumbo is going to sound incredibly stupid.
– It turns out that Leah Chase is a very sweet old woman, which we all knew already. She’s famous, guys.
– Shirley presents her gumbo, which is a fusion of Chinese, Mexican and Italian because decisions are hard.
– If she had just found a way to incorporate miso and escargot she would have had the bingo.
– Basically one guy made gumbo, and the rest made gumbo-inspired nonsense. But that’s the challenge.
– “It’s bullsh*t!” -Jason, the huge douchebag from the first episode, reacting to that sweet old lady’s criticism. Sorry Jason, everyone hates you. It takes literally 30 seconds for people to realize how terrible you are.
– Carrie’s green corn gumbo won! She might be a dark horse. Also, dark horse will be the theme ingredient for the elimination.
– Susan Spicer is here to talk about the actual elimination challenge. It’s food trucks.
– Because Bravo is hip and with it.
– The cheftestants will be cooking for volunteers at Habitat For Humanity work sites. Ms. Chase (she’s too old and nice to call by her given name) is recalling the aftermath of Katrina, when she rebuilt from scratch. People told her she should quit. Cheftestants cry. Then they laugh when she says, “The Pope quit.” Nothing like a good papal burn to bring people back from a bad place.
– Padma splits the teams into two groups of four, and two groups of five. In case you forgot just how many people were on this f*cking show.
– So far we have a taco truck, a “surf” truck, a Mediterranean truck and a Miami/Caribbean truck, where everyone is bonding over their shared disdain for everything Bene tries to say.
– Let’s go to Justin, the local New Orleanian, for his thoughts on Bene’s proposed ideas.
– Let’s just make ceviche, guys.
– Time for a crawfish boil! Nobody is going to get eliminated here, except for hundreds of mudbugs. One of the little guys is spared. He will live out his remaining days in the above ground pool shared by a house of reality television personalities. We should all be so lucky.
– Carrie, Carlos, Aaron and Travis get things started. They’re serving empanadas, ceviche and a great looking tilapia taco. But really, tilapia? All of the incredible local fish from the gulf and that’s what you’re going with? Oh well, the empanada looked perfect, thanks in large part to that Cook’s Illustrated inspired vodka-spiked dough.
– The quartet of Jason, Patty, Nicholas and Bret is up next. Jason is out in front interacting the guests, because he’s pretty, not because anyone in the world could ever possibly like him. They are serving up soggy salmon rolls, spieced shrimp, coconut ceviche and tuna sliders. Ugh. Sliders. That’s just a tiny sandwich!
– “It’s a simple slider, but it’s executed perfectly.” Actually it’s neither, Patty. You failed. Start crying now.
– “I’m super handy. I built my restaurant.” We are less than two episodes in and Jason is already in the Unlikable Cheftestant Hall of Fame. The only question is whether he can last long enough to challenge Josie for GOAT.
– Important commercial break: There’s going to be a Queer Eye reunion on Bravo. “So, what has everyone other than Ted Allen been up to?”
– Back to the show, and we’re moving on to Habitat For Humanity site number 3. Here Janine (out in front, naturally), Justin, Michael, Nina and Bene (because they had to include him) are serving up southern/Caribbean flavors. They are featuring Janine’s green gazpacho with pickled shrimp, which sounds really good coming from her mouth, although it doesn’t photograph that well.
– “Kind of off-putting,” says the fat guy who is eating a spoonful of Trader Joe’s imitation peanut butter while recapping Top Chef at midnight.
– Elsewhere in the group, local hero Justin presents a lobster and crab fritter with corn puree and bacon jam. I think we may have this year’s Kevin Gillespie Award winner for the cheftestant who packs the most delicious buzzwords into one dish. Congrats, Justin. You do your bearded predecessor proud. We also have a jerk chicken sandwich and a ricotta with burnt honey, stone fruit and coconut.
– The soup is heavy on the ginger, and the fritter is described as a lobster funnel cake. I think Tom means that as a negative, but GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL BITE YOUR HAND OFF AT THE WRIST.
– Another important commercial break: There is a poorly acted “Home Chef” competition between two of last year’s contestants, Josh and Brooke (love you, Brooke). This is the worst commercial I have ever seen. Stop putting Josh on television. Just hire an actor and glue some stupid hair on his face.
– The fourth and, thankfully, final group (I want to go to bed) is up before the judges. Stephanie has a crispy chickpea, but don’t call it a falafel or else you’ll start a whole Israel/Palestine thing. Sara made a tuna burger. That’s right, a burger. Not a slider. Granted, burgers should not be made out of tuna, but if you must, at least it’s name it properly. F*ck yo’ slider, Patty.Shirley has a lamb salad with Asian pear. Louis helped everybody out, and presented a chilled watermelon amuse. Because you can’t have a food truck without an amuse. That’s textbook stuff.
– It’s time for judgement. The yellow team won. That’s Carrie, Carlos, Aaron and Travis. Oh, and Brian is in this group too. Again, there are still way too many chefs on this show. Brian’s ceviche got high marks, so I have to remember him now.
– Carrie’s empanada wins, which makes her a double-winner this week. A live viewer poll on the bottom of the screen says that Carrie has a 70% chance of winning the season.
– Carrie is already one of my five favorite female cheftestants of all time, but I don’t think this was a scientific poll. She has about 16 other competitors to beat, not including whoever wins Last Chance Kitchen, assuming that’s still a thing.
– The blue team gets called back to the execution chamber. That’s Jason, Patty, Nicholas and Bret.
– JA-SON JA-SON JA-SON JA-SON
– Sorry, it’s very chantable. Feel free to try it at home/office. And yeah, I know Patty’s gone.
– “To be honest, I was surprised we’re here. I had heard a other teams had run out of a whole bunch of things, and that’s a good thing for us.”
– No, that’s why you lost, dummy. Nobody liked your food enough to ask for more. They probably went out for hot dogs afterwards.
– Jason realizes that he should have made his salmon hand rolls to order, but he was busy being handsome and incredibly charming.
– “Thinking about it now, I want to punch myself in the head.” Do it, Jason. DO IT.
– But first, it’s elimination time. Nicholas is getting dinged for his wasabi pea garnish, Brett for his lukewarm ceviche, Patty for the sub-par tomatoes, and Jason for his soggy hand roll.
– Oh sh*t, it’s Jason! I was sure it would be Patty. I thought I’d be so much happier when Jason got sent home. I needed more Jason to develop a proper level of hatred. We are all cheated today. This is all your fault, Patty.
Next week: An elimination quickfire! Does that mean two people are going home? God willing. See you then.
