American Horror Story (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. You’ve seen all the creepy teasers, now tune in for the real thing. Or don’t. I won’t be. I know where that snake in the banner pic ends up going and I DO NOT like it.
Arrow (CW, 8:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. Season 2 kicks off with Isabel Rochev (Summer Glau) planning a hostile takeover of Queen Consolidated. Queen Consolidated sounds like the same of a second-hand clothing store that only sells Freddie Mercury t-shirts. (Gamma Squad has your liveblog tonight.)
South Park/Key & Peele (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) – South Park takes on George Zimmerman tonight. This seems like something you may want to focus your eyeballs on for 30 minutes.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia/The League (FXX, 10:00 p.m.) – Tonight is the 100th episode of Sunny, and it is going to be a weird-ass “experimental, Run Lola Run-esque outing where each member of the Paddy’s Pub gang envisions how they’d respond in a crisis.” I’m picturing Charlie in a courtroom covered in rats.
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – Tonight is the 100th episode of Modern Family, too. It’ll probably be less weird.
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC, 11:35 p.m.) – This is the big Kanye/Kimmel summit after their Twitter kerfuffle from a few weeks ago. I’m sure we have you covered tomorrow.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Lucy Liu and engineering professor Mark Jacobson on Letterman; Sean Hayes and Tom Cotter on Ferguson; Whitney Cummings and Ann Romney on Leno; Alan Rickman, Chloe Grace Moretz, and Jeff Musial on Fallon; Michael Fassbender on Stewart; Tom Hanks on Colbert; and Steve Martin is on Conan.