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‘Top Chef: New Orleans’ Recap: Campfires, Cream Cheese and Countryside

By / 11.07.13

padma and besh

Last week, on Top Chef: Stupid aluminum foil quickfire, Halloween in July(ish) and praise god, they sent Michael home.

This week, on Top Chef: 13 chefs remain. Seriously? 13? I demand a double elimination challenge. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.

- “And I’m like, Michael, suck my dick.” -Nina, getting the post-Michael era off to a great start. She’s been the most successful chef throughout the competition, and she says funny things! She’s like Bryan Voltaggio if he ever said funny things.

- Back at the house everyone is all rested up. Now the cheftestantettes have to jockey for time in front of the mirror. Do you have any idea how early Sara has to get up to make her hair look like the pictures from her book of World War 2 pin-up girls?

sara hair

- Padma shows up with The Lovely John Besh. That’s his full name. You have to call him that or he’ll rip your face off. Everyone loves The Lovely John Besh.

- Everyone is told to pack an overnight bag, then make an impromptu RAV4 commercial. They drive. And drive. And drive. They’re either driving extremely far out into the country, or they are just circling the same area for 45 minutes in order to get enough shots of the RAV4 in action. Look at how it handles those turns!

- They finally arrive at a farm. This place is famous for their creole tomatoes. They’re like regular tomatoes, only more culturally relevant.

- They cheftestants have 20 minutes to showcase the creole tomato for their quickfire challenge.

-“All I’m going to do is a tomato strip loin salad. Now am I taking this creole tomato and making it the star? Probably not, but I’m going to give them a damn good dish.” Oh, Travis. You lose. You lose so hard.

- Stephanie can’t think of anything to make, so she’s going with a salad of tomato and watermelon with avocado and feta. It’s a dish so omnipresent that it’s about five minutes away from being co-opted by Applebee’s.

- Quickfire roundup: Bene has a chilled tomato and watermelon soup, Carlos poached a tomato in oil and Stephanie made that boring ass salad that she hates so much.

- Nina also made a chilled tomato and watermelon soup. Nicholas comes with something that at least looks a bit unique. It’s caramelized melon with cherry vinegar, tomatoes and watermelon cucumber. And if that just sounds like a list of ingredients, it is. Padma decides that the best way to eat Nicholas’s dish is to shove it as far down her throat as possible without bothering to chew.

padma forking

- The Lovely John Besh called the dish refined. Padma couldn’t comment because she swallowed a fork. Next up, Justin made a tomato skin tartare. It has a squash blossom on top, because everything in this challenge has a squash blossom on top. Way to shove your summer produce down our throats as we sit here freezing our asses off with nothing to eat but kale and cabbage.

Next up is Travis with his steak and tomato. It’s a tomato. And steak. Louis put together a more successful dish, a tomato seed bouillon. This is only notable because Bravo spelled “bouillon” wrong. “We call this a chyron fail because it was a fail in the chyron,”

bouillion

- Brian cut a hole in a tomato slice and fried an egg in it. Give that man a RAV4 already. Patty roasted some tomatoes with more fun summer produce. These summer people think they’re so great because their tomatoes don’t come out of a Cento can.

- Patty, Travis and Stephanie were all on the bottom. Shocking, I know. On the other hand, Nina, Carlos and Louis made dishes that stirred something in John Besh’s lovely loins. Your quickfire winner is Nina. Suck her dick, Michael.

- The chefs will be cooking at Besh’s La Provence for their elimination challenge. They will be serving a dinner…sorry, supper…for Besh’s small army of chefs. Each chef is responsible for one family style dish that incorporates Philadelphia cream cheese. Oh for f*cks sake. Seriously? Cream cheese? How much are they paying you for this? I will double it if you just let them cook normal food without bringing Kraft Foods into the picture. Oh, and nobody can use butter for some reason.


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