Last week, on Top Chef: Stupid aluminum foil quickfire, Halloween in July(ish) and praise god, they sent Michael home.
This week, on Top Chef: 13 chefs remain. Seriously? 13? I demand a double elimination challenge. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
– “And I’m like, Michael, suck my dick.” -Nina, getting the post-Michael era off to a great start. She’s been the most successful chef throughout the competition, and she says funny things! She’s like Bryan Voltaggio if he ever said funny things.
– Back at the house everyone is all rested up. Now the cheftestantettes have to jockey for time in front of the mirror. Do you have any idea how early Sara has to get up to make her hair look like the pictures from her book of World War 2 pin-up girls?
– Padma shows up with The Lovely John Besh. That’s his full name. You have to call him that or he’ll rip your face off. Everyone loves The Lovely John Besh.
– Everyone is told to pack an overnight bag, then make an impromptu RAV4 commercial. They drive. And drive. And drive. They’re either driving extremely far out into the country, or they are just circling the same area for 45 minutes in order to get enough shots of the RAV4 in action. Look at how it handles those turns!
– They finally arrive at a farm. This place is famous for their creole tomatoes. They’re like regular tomatoes, only more culturally relevant.
– They cheftestants have 20 minutes to showcase the creole tomato for their quickfire challenge.
-“All I’m going to do is a tomato strip loin salad. Now am I taking this creole tomato and making it the star? Probably not, but I’m going to give them a damn good dish.” Oh, Travis. You lose. You lose so hard.
– Stephanie can’t think of anything to make, so she’s going with a salad of tomato and watermelon with avocado and feta. It’s a dish so omnipresent that it’s about five minutes away from being co-opted by Applebee’s.
– Quickfire roundup: Bene has a chilled tomato and watermelon soup, Carlos poached a tomato in oil and Stephanie made that boring ass salad that she hates so much.
– Nina also made a chilled tomato and watermelon soup. Nicholas comes with something that at least looks a bit unique. It’s caramelized melon with cherry vinegar, tomatoes and watermelon cucumber. And if that just sounds like a list of ingredients, it is. Padma decides that the best way to eat Nicholas’s dish is to shove it as far down her throat as possible without bothering to chew.
– The Lovely John Besh called the dish refined. Padma couldn’t comment because she swallowed a fork. Next up, Justin made a tomato skin tartare. It has a squash blossom on top, because everything in this challenge has a squash blossom on top. Way to shove your summer produce down our throats as we sit here freezing our asses off with nothing to eat but kale and cabbage.
Next up is Travis with his steak and tomato. It’s a tomato. And steak. Louis put together a more successful dish, a tomato seed bouillon. This is only notable because Bravo spelled “bouillon” wrong. “We call this a chyron fail because it was a fail in the chyron,”
– Brian cut a hole in a tomato slice and fried an egg in it. Give that man a RAV4 already. Patty roasted some tomatoes with more fun summer produce. These summer people think they’re so great because their tomatoes don’t come out of a Cento can.
– Patty, Travis and Stephanie were all on the bottom. Shocking, I know. On the other hand, Nina, Carlos and Louis made dishes that stirred something in John Besh’s lovely loins. Your quickfire winner is Nina. Suck her dick, Michael.
– The chefs will be cooking at Besh’s La Provence for their elimination challenge. They will be serving a dinner…sorry, supper…for Besh’s small army of chefs. Each chef is responsible for one family style dish that incorporates Philadelphia cream cheese. Oh for f*cks sake. Seriously? Cream cheese? How much are they paying you for this? I will double it if you just let them cook normal food without bringing Kraft Foods into the picture. Oh, and nobody can use butter for some reason.
– The cheftestants draw knives to see who is cooking what courses. In the meantime, everybody kicks back at some lodge. And that means…pool scene! But will Bravo take the opportunity to show women in biki…
– Yep! You can always count on Bravo for this kind of thing.
– After a night of fraternization it’s back in the Toyota caravan of competitive fire.
– Gail just called the vegetables PROD-uce. Padma resists the urge to make a joke about prodding her. Booo.
– Patty leads off with a snapper crudo, dressed with a cream cheese vinaigrette. It looks beautiful. Tom calls it perfect before actually tasting it. It’s not perfect, but it’s not bad.
– Brian went with a squash and zucchini tagliatelle with poached oysters and emulsified cream cheese. Nobody seems to care much about it either way.
– Carlos keeps the poached theme going with his beet dish. They are served with pickled carrots with a peach, habanero and cream cheese sauce. This one barely registered.
– Sara made an island spiced lamb chop stuffed with cream cheese and curry powder. She wins for least appetizing description, at least. Tom, your thoughts?
– Yeah, everyone hated it. Sorry, Sara.
– Nina has the last appetizer, a crispy zucchini blossom stuffed with an eggplant and cream cheese puree. The blossom stayed crispy, so it’s a winner.
– Bene presents the first entree, a roasted chicken breast filled with caramelized onions and tarragon cream cheese. Padma asks what everyone thought of Bene’s dish. The only audible answer is one of Tom’s loud exhalations. Might want to go stand next to Sara now, Bene.
– Carrie followed with another chicken breast, this one vinegar-braised, with a cream cheese sauce and some cucumbers. Yum? Gail calls Carrie’s dish “gloopy and soupy.” This is the funniest thing anyone has EVER heard. This one guy is laughing so hard that he had to jam his fingers in to his eyes to keep himself from totally losing it.
It’s funny because those words rhyme!
– Justin prepared a roasted duck breast with eggplant vinaigrette, chanterelle mushrooms and a corn puree. It sounds like a lot of food, but it’s really just a tiny tasting portion. Still, looks good. Judges agree, it’s good.
– Travis has seared lamb chops with Moroccan succotash and cream cheese aioli. And thank god. For a minute there I was worried we were going to run out of variations on aioli. This opens up all new possibilities. John Besh seemed to love it, then everyone shamed him into hating it. By the end Tom had him convinced that he’d fire Travis if Travis worked for him. Way to cave, Beshy.
– Dessert time. Louis made a graham cracker with blackberries and a cream cheese mouse. The graham cracker looks like something that was dug out of the treads of the RAV4’s tire.
– Nicholas tentatively introduces his funnel cake with carrot cake and peach flavored cream cheese. He wanted to make a beignet , but there was no yeast. So he said screw it and this is what came out. People really seem to like it though, so what the hell?
– Shirley made a “Philadelphia” steamed egg custard with macerated blueberries. Watch out cheesesteak and roast pork and rapini, Philadelphia has a new signature dish. Aww, but it’s overcooked and “scrambled.” You are safe for now, iconic sandwiches of Philadelphia.
– Stephanie introduces her cream cheese, peach and cherry mouse with a cream cheese short dough. Then she runs away before John Besh expresses any further disappointment in her efforts. There is something very wrong with Stephanie’s custard. She knew it, but could do nothing about it. Now the judges and the Besh-o-lytes know it too.
– Nobody is happy with their dishes, and they’re going to be less happy because it’s time for the judges to tell them they all sucked.
– OK, not everybody sucked. Nina, Nicholas and Justin are all on their way towards the winning group.
– The judges ask Nina how she came up with her dish, which is funny because it was a fried squash blossom stuffed with cheese, aka, the most popular season appetizer at every farm to table restaurant in the country. Oh well, she wins anyway! That must have been a perfect flower. The Nina backlash is on. Everyone hates a winner.
– Bene, Sara and Travis are up for elimination. Time for Tom to get pissed off and ask rhetorical questions. Nobody is dumb enough to try to answer. The cheftestants are sent back, and the judges argue over whose horrible dish was the worst crime against vegetation. It’s Bene. Bye bye, Bene.
– Images via BravoTV.com, where you can see all of this week’s dishes.
Next week, on Top Chef: Kermit Ruffins! Food too, probably.
