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Traditional Thanksgiving Dishes, Ranked From Worst To Best

By / 11.26.13

thanksgiving dinner

10. Cranberry sauce. There’s a reason the only time the average human being ever encounters cranberry sauce is on Thanksgiving. It’s a damn culinary abomination.

9. Turkey (oven-cooked). There is nothing worse than an over-baked turkey. And, sadly, because it’s something people only usually prepare once or twice a year, it’s often over-cooked.

8. Pumpkin pie. Gross. Just gross. Pumpkins were not made for human consumption other than whatever micro-fraction of actual pumpkin is included in the syrup Starbucks uses to make pumpkin spice lattes. Pumpkins were made for being disemboweled and carved into Jack-O-Lanterns at Halloween and THAT IS IT.

7. Stuffing. Depending on who’s preparing it, stuffing can range from being a revelation to something you wouldn’t feed a hungry stray dog. There’s just too much risk here for that kind of range in quality.

6. Sweet potato casserole: Meh. I always glob some of this on my plate and eat it because I’m burdened by a crippling case of sweet potato guilt. But I’d be perfectly fine if I never ate it again for the rest of my life.

5. Green bean casserole. Mmmmmmmm…green bean casserole is the one dish that’s typically reserved for holiday meals that should have crossed over onto non-holiday meal menus long ago.

4. Apple cider. Sneak a flask to grandma’s house and spike that sh*t. How else are you gonna listen to your Uncle Mac rant about Obamacare for four to six hours with your sanity intact?

3. Mac-n-cheese. You have to try really hard to f*ck up mac-n-cheese. Even the Kraft stuff that comes out of a cardboard box is downright delightful.

2. Turkey (deep-fried). Deep-fried turkey is THE TITS! If you don’t have a boiler to make one, get one from Popeyes. It comes pre-flash-fried — all you have to do is warm it up in an oven. Even better, it’s infused those delicious herbs and spices Popeyes puts in its chicken. You’ll never want to eat turkey any other way after having a Popeyes turkey. Just trust me on this.

1. Mashed potatoes. Have you ever heard anyone utter the words, “I hate mashed potatoes”? No, you have not, because no one has ever said that. Ever. The more butter and gravy, the better.

And speaking of mashed potatoes, please enjoy Snoop Dogg showing Martha Stewart how to make “in the hood” mashed potatoes…

Feel free to disagree wrongly with the rankings in the comments.

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