Sleepy Hollow (Fox, 9 p.m.) — On tonight’s episode of the best new network drama of the season…actually, wait: the best, or at least most fun, new Big Four drama is SLEEPY HOLLOW. Not sure if that says more about the current state of network dramas, or me for not giving Hostages more credit (probably the latter).
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Of course Ted visits a lighthouse. Of course.
Monday Night Football (ESPN, 8:25 p.m.) — I’ve been on the road nearly non-stop the past couple of days, driving a moving truck from New York to Texas, and on Sunday, I was near Dallas, right before the NFL games started. Holy sh*t: Dallas Cowboys radio personalities are the worst; Troy Aikman was mentioned more than their, y’know, actual quarterback, and five seconds never went by without a mention of Michael Irvin. Cowboy fans are living the past, like me, bagging on the Cowboys, who haven’t mattered in a decade. Anyway, the Bears plays the Packers on MNF.
Mike and Molly (CBS, 9 p.m.) — Season premiere. Fourth season premiere. Poor Melissa McCarthy.
The Blacklist (NBC, 10 p.m.) — The FBI searches for the man responsible for a chemical attack on a subway, unlike Subway, which is a chemical attack on your body.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: David Ortiz and Woody Harrelson on Letterman; Anthony Hopkins and Sting on Leno; Chris Hemsworth, Artie Lange, and Jane’s Addiction on Kimmel; Lauren Graham on Ferguson; Simon Baker, John McCain, and the Dismemberment Plan on Fallon; Kevin Kline and Brie Larson on Conan; Bob Woodruff on Stewart; and David Folkenflik on Colbert.