If I could hear the life story of any celebrity who’s ever snorted a pile of cocaine as big as my head, I’d choose Jack Nicholson. Now there’s a man who’s lived, which is to say, how the hell is he alive? The answer: he’s a male succubus, luring women one-fourth his age into his gold-covered bedroom, where the only thing on the wall is a single poster for Anger Management for some reason, to drink their life force. And then once he’s done, he buries their bodies underneath the Staples Center in the ditch he shares with Kobe Bryant.
And now the pile of smirking cigar dust is coming after Jennifer Lawrence. Respect, Jack. Respect.
Lawrence, who was just named “Entertainer of the Year” by the AP, tells [ABC’s George Stephanopoulos] that after meeting Nicholson, she received a care package from the elder Oscar winner containing the bubbly and a flirty note that sounds typical of the storied ladies’ man. “He sent me flowers and a bottle of Cristal and a note that said, ‘Missing you already,” Lawrence told ABC News’ Bianna Golodryga, before adding. “Not to brag. I should have probably kept that a secret so it could just be between me and Jack.” (Via)
Foreplay with Jack Nicholson consists of him screaming lines from Chinatown at you. It’s never not worked.