Hooray for bigotry! Three cheers for homophobia! Congratulations, narrow-minded peer pressure! You win the day! Three days after yanking select Duck Dynasty merchandise off its shelves, Cracker Barrel — the national restaurant chain that specializes in sewage flavored “Southern food” — has caved into pressure from its bigoted base of customers and restocked its shelves with Duck Dynasty pajamas, bobble-head dolls, and other assorted apparel that allows its patrons to leave the restaurant with T-shirts that basically say, “Gays are full of murder” (Fun Fact: Gays are also full of yummy Pez!)
The home-cooking-style eatery yanked selected Duck Dynasty-related items from its stores on Friday in an effort to avoid offending customers after patriarch Phil Robertson’s inflammatory comments to GQ magazine about gays and blacks. But the company’s move outraged many Duck Dynasty supporters, who bombarded the company with messages slamming the move.
On Sunday, Cracker Barrel rolled over, posting a new message on its Facebook page: “You flat out told us we were wrong. We listened. Today, we are putting all our Duck Dynasty products back in our stores. And, we apologize for offending you.”
You see that? Cracker Barrel is apologizing for offending bigots. Here’s another way of phrasing that Facebook post: “Three days ago, we pulled Duck Dynasty merchandise off of our shelves because we felt that the show — and its characters — characterized gays in a demeaning way, and we didn’t want to offend our gay customers. Well, after a little soul-searching, we realized that we have no gay customers, because — pardon the stereotype — no gay person in his right mind would eat the slop we serve! So, in an effort to better serve our bottom line, we have decided to listen to the bigots and homophobes who make up the majority of our customer base, and restock Duck Dynasty merchandise lest they decide to go to Bonanza instead. Let’s just hope that the media doesn’t really sink its fangs into the horrible things that Phil Robertson said about African-Americans because, hoo-boy!, racial injustice is going to be harder to defend!”
In related news, as a Southerner with a deep appreciation for real Southern food, I am offended by the flavorless crap that Cracker Barrel serves to its patrons. Could Cracker Barrel pull its menu in an effort to avoid offending PEOPLE WITH TASTE BUDS?