You’ve seen the M&M commercial titled “Devour.” Everyone has. It’s been airing in heavy rotation on television for about a year, and it’s racked up over three million views on YouTube, making it one of the most popular episodes of the long-running campaign featuring the talking M&Ms. As far as commercials go, it has been wildly successful. But it is also disturbing as all hell once you peel back the top layer or two and really look at it. Seriously, it’s like a whole episode of Law & Order: SVU smushed into 30 seconds, but without any resolution other than “HAHAHAHA HE GOT MURDERED.” I kind of can’t believed it’s even on television.
My point here is that I have a few questions about all of this. We’ll ease into the heavy stuff.
What kind of party is this?
Is it a big fancy Hollywood party?
Is that why everyone is so dressed up?
If you went to a big fancy Hollywood party and saw two giant talking M&Ms there, would you stare at them or try to play it cool?
Do you think there’s one guy at the party who’s doing that thing where you make a big showy deal out of how much you’re not making a big deal out of something, like “Oh, that’s right, they’re giant talking pieces of candy. I had totally forgotten. They’re just Mike and Sally to me now,” or whatever?
Everyone probably hates that guy, right?
If it’s a fancy Hollywood party, why aren’t the M&Ms dressed up?
I mean, everyone else is in fancy dresses and whatnot, and they’re just wearing the same shells that they wear every other day, aren’t they?
Don’t you think that’s a little tacky, like showing up to a wedding in a hoodie or something?
What’s up with the Sarah Michelle Gellar-looking lady at the beginning of the commercial?
Isn’t it a little weird how she warns the Brown M&M about Kristen, the flame-haired, leopard-print-wearing psychopath who is staring terrifying daggers at both of them, and then she’s just all “Weeeeeelllllllp, gotta go”?
If you noticed a potentially deranged woman at a party who has a well-known history of doing bodily harm to people (or things) who fit your friend’s description, would you stick around to provide protection, or at least maybe alert other people so they can keep an eye out?
How many of your friends would you take a bullet for?
How many of your friends would you take a bullet for while you’re wearing an expensive party outfit that you just bought and really don’t want to get blood stains on?
If the two numbers are different, does that make you (a) a bad friend, (b) frugal, or (c) both?
Wait a second … who the f*ck even invited Kristen anyway?
Wouldn’t any good party host — which this host appears to be — know not to invite a cocoa-crazed psychopath and two giant candy-coated chocolates to the same party?
Do you think someone else invited her and then was all “What? I didn’t know! I can’t just uninvite her now!” when he or she found out about Kristen’s whole deal with chocolate?
It was definitely a dude who invited her, for “Bro. BRO. She’s got those crazy eyes. I bet she’s wild in the sack” reasons, right?
Scale of 1 to Rage-drinking, how pissed do you think that guy was when she left with the Red M&M?
Or do you think Kristen was real devious about getting herself invited?
Like, did she find out the giant M&Ms were going to be there and think to herself (or, more likely, say to herself, out loud, under her breath, in just the creepiest and most disturbing way you can possibly imagine), “I have to go to that party,” so she just hung out outside the house in her leopard-print dress waiting for someone to invite her in as their guest?
Would you put that past her, knowing what we know now?
At the beginning of the party Kristen is making eyes at the Brown M&M, who is a female, and at the end she leaves with the Red M&M, who is a male … does this mean she is bisexual?
Are people who are attracted to both male and female candy called bisnacksuals?
There sure are a lot of commercials where ladies have strong sexual feelings toward non-human things, aren’t there?
Do you think Maxwell the Talking GEICO Pig and the Brown M&M would hit it off if they met?
Or do you think he’d be too immature for her?
You know, because she has glasses?
And speaking of the Brown M&M, what the hell is her deal?
She seems awfully calm about cool about the thing where she just set up the Red M&M to be violently sexually assaulted and/or murdered by a deranged chocoholic, doesn’t she?
You do realize that’s what’s happening here, right?
Maybe Kristen isn’t the only sociopath at this party, huh?
I mean, did you see the little face the Brown M&M made when she said “Really?” after finding out about Kristen?
Do you think she came up with the idea to get rid of the Red M&M in that moment, or do you think she had wanted to do it for a long time and saw this as the perfect opportunity?
When the Brown M&M approached Kristen with her plan, did she open with “You know, we’re not so different, you and I. Both passionate women with strong … desires. I think maybe we can help each other”?
Why do you think she hates the Red M&M so much?
Is it because he’s an LMFAO fan?
Should we update the criminal code to make it okay for people to kill each other over musical preference?
If so, do you like the song “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle?
Do you typically lock your doors and windows?
Why am I asking? Oh, no reason…
Anyway, back to this Kristen business… when she ate the Red M&M, do you think she ate all of him?
Like, his eyes and limbs, too, even though they’re not made of chocolate?
Or did she just casually toss them out the window when she was done and leave them on the side of the street?
Do you think there’s one cop who has a theory about the dramatic uptick in sexually disturbing candy murder lately, but he can never find any evidence leftover after Kristen devours her victims, so every time he takes it to his boss, his boss is all “Dammit, Roger! I told you! There’s no such thing as a Chocolate Serial Killer! Now get back to your real cases before I bust your ass back to traffic!”
Seriously though, this commercial is incredibly dark, right?
I mean, doesn’t it bother you a little that it ends with an M&M screaming inside a locked car because someone is eating him alive?
That’s some Grade-A horror movie sh*t, isn’t it?
Would you eat a giant talking M&M if you were hungry enough?
I probably would.