A few notes before we begin:
- This is the second entry in what is apparently becoming a multi-part series.
- I don’t have to prove anything to any of you.
- I almost didn’t post this video because the quality is super low (50 point deduction), but then I realized that the person who uploaded this Cialis commercial on YouTube named it “Cialis nachos commercial,” which (a) correctly identifies that the nachos are the most important part (more on that later), and (b) made me imagine a pharmaceutical product called Cialis Nachos that cures erectile dysfunction with a delicious cheese-and-tortilla-chips based appetizer. Those are worth 10 and 40 points, respectively, so it turns out we’re all square.
Let’s rank some couples.
3. Bench-Making Couple
We met Bench-Making Couple in the last commercial. At the time I ranked them third out of three, saying:
If I understand what this commercial is trying to say, and I think I do, the guy in Bench-Making Couple is taking Cialis because sometimes he and his wife get SUPER-TURNED-ON by woodworking (heh heh), and he doesn’t want to miss out on potential post- (or, I suppose, mid-) bench-making coitus right there in the driveway. “Hey, honey, I’m gonna run out and check the mail. Want to see if the new edition of the New Yorker is here y-… OH GODDAMMIT, Bob and Sharon and having sex in their driveway again.”
This is creepy and I do not like it. Also, they’ll get sawdust in all their sensitive places, and I can’t imagine that’s fun. Last place. F-
Since that post went up, however, I realized something: I did NOT understand what that commercial was trying to say. They weren’t making a bench, they were just staining it. Bench-Making Couple is actually Bench-Staining Couple! THAT’S EVEN WORSE. At least if they were making a bench you could explain away their raging libidos as the result of the primal sense of pride one feels after creating something — out of what was once a tree — with his or her bare hands. We have defeated nature and turned it into a comfortable place from which we can sit and observe OTHER nature, which we will also defeat should we so choose, for we are the masters of all we survey. Now, let us engage in coitus for the world to see.
But no. They didn’t even do that. They just applied a coat of stain or sealant or something, then decided to hump, possibly all hopped up on chemical fumes. YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE HUFFING, BENCH-STAINING COUPLE. GET YOUR LIVES TOGETHER. Just go buy finished outdoor furniture at Home Depot next time. No, really, go. They have a great selection.
(Psst. Everybody. We’re holding an intervention for Bench-Making Couple about this dangerous Sex After Huffing thing they’re into. Meet up at their house while they’re at Home Depot. I have the spare key. I’ll let you in.)
2. Found Some Old Records Couple
I get it, Found Some Old Records Couple. You’re up there in the spare bedroom cleaning out some old junk for your yard sale, and next thing you know you’re all … Hey, look at that? Our old Bruce Springsteen records. Wow. That takes me back. Remember when we saw him live in Asbury Park? What was it? 1977? 1978? You were wearing that red sundress, and had a single dandelion tucked behind your ear. You were really something. Heck, you still are. … Hey, why don’t we put one of these records on? No no no, not Springsteen. Something slower. More romantic. Is the Marvin Gaye album still in there? … and the next thing you know you’re rolling around in an inch of dust between boxes full of your children’s old winter jackets. It’s understandable. Music can do that to people, take them back to a happier place and time, when limbs bent certain directions without requiring two to three globs of Ben-Gay smeared all over them in the morning. It happens to all of us.
But be careful up there. Both physically and mentally. You don’t want to over-romanticize the past, you know? It’s like the song says:
And I hope when I get old I don’t sit around thinking about it
But I probably will
Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
A little of the glory of, well time slips away
And leaves you with nothing, mister, but…
Boring stories of glory days
Listen to The Boss, Found Some Old Records Couple. There’s still time! Put the proceeds of the yard sale toward a trip to Paris! Or Madrid! Carpe diem, while you still have diems left to carpe. Just promise me you won’t take it too far start huffing like Bench-Staining Couple. They’re a bad influence.
1. Nachos Couple
Nachos Couple is an inspiration. Let’s run down their part in this commercial step-by-step:
- They got dressed up in what I have chosen to believe is clothing representing their alma mater.
- They put on the big game.
- The game goes very well, based on Nachos Wife’s reaction at the 0:06 mark.
- At some point during the game, possibly just after halftime, Nachos Wife brings out a huge plate of nachos and sets it on the coffee table.
- Nachos Husband is BLOWN AWAY by this. Seriously, watch his reaction, around the 0:40 mark. He looks at the plate of nachos as though his wife summoned it from the heavens. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? Tiny chips covered in melted cheese, a slightly spicy tomato-based sauce, olives, jalapenos, and sour cream? Did thou create this with a wizard?!
- Nachos Husband mouths the word “baby” and leans in for a kiss.
- Presumably, if these commercials mean what they claim to mean, the active ingredient in Cialis then sends blood rushing to his loins and the two of them get so swept up in the moment that they decide to spontaneously make love right there on the couch during the second half of the game.
- BECAUSE OF NACHOS.
We should all strive to be like Nachos Couple. They’ve got life figured out.
