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Mark Wahlberg Informs Conan Of His Plans To Beat The Crap Out Of One Direction

By / 01.09.14

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Mark Wahlberg is a noted tough guy and hero to all mankind. He uses this status in all of his film roles, including Lone Survivor and the upcoming Transformers: We Did This Sh*t Three Times And You’re Still Buying Tickets.

However, he seems to want to play a bit of a scoundrel now because he dropped by Conan to describe his future plans to beat the crap out of One Direction. Why Marky Mark? Why are you, a champion of men everyone, willing to stoop so low? Petty jealousy? You’re better than that.

Your life is the basis for Entourage, the greatest television show ever created. You have shown time and time again your willingness to do good. I’m fairly sure that you averted 9/11 in some alternate timeline. A timeline where you are currently the new pope.

You clearly love your daughters, but don’t jeopardize your reputation over those assholes in One Direction. Pay someone else to do it, like Mickey Rourke or Daniel Baldwin. That’s what my Mark Wahlberg would do. If only you were passing by that day Paul Walker perished by flying too close to the Sun. He might still be with us today and co-starring with you in Fast 8 Furious.

(Via Team Coco)


TOPICS#CONAN
TAGSamerican heroLONE SURVIVORMARK WAHLBERGone direction

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