American Horror Story: Coven (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – Season finale. According to the guide, “a new Supreme rises” tonight, which makes me really furious that I already used a Diana Ross joke a few weeks ago.
Suburgatory (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – “Tessa learns that Ryan is coming home for a visit, and that he’s bringing his new girlfriend.” Tessa gon’ cut a bitch.
Miley Cyrus: MTV Unplugged (MTV, 9:00 p.m.) – And yet still no Wu-Tang Clan: Unplugged. For shame, MTV. For shame.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) – Benson is sworn in as the new sergeant tonight. I’m really hoping the B-plot of the episode is Ice-T buying her a cake, only to be foiled by a masked pervert who humps it in the break room moments before the party.
Workaholics/Broad City (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) – From TV Guide: “The guys want a fish fry at the office, but first they have to find Alice a sex partner.” SOMETHING SOMETHING SQUID PRO QUO. (Check out our interview with Ders here, if you missed it.)
Wahlburgers (A&E, 10:30 p.m.) – On tonight’s episode of Wahlburgers, a show about a hamburger restaurant owned by the Wahlberg family, Donnie Wahlberg brings his girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy, home to meet his mother. Read that sentence a few times.
Oklahoma City Thunder at Miami Heat (ESPN, 7:00 p.m.) – I try not to let my basketball junkie lifestyle creep into my TV coverage too often, but I’m making an exception here. Kevin Durant has been playing like some sort of Gumbi/Michael Jordan hybrid this month. It’s been insane. Everyone is invited to my place to watch. Bring snacks. And chairs. And a sledgehammer to knock out a wall or two so we can all fit. But mostly snacks.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Andy Garcia and Chef Norman Van Aken on Kimmel; Drew Brees, BJ Novak, and Against! Me! on Letterman (with David Stern doing the Top Ten); Kevin Bacon and Karla Souza on Ferguson; Bill Maher and Whitney Cummings on Leno; Jennifer Connelly, Miles Teller, and Ronan Farrow on Fallon; Johnny Knoxville on Stewart; and Don Cheadle and Josh Hopkins on Conan.