“There’s not a fire, I haven’t been shot, why should I call 911? That’s for an emergency!…so I crept up the stairs and clearly the window was open,things were stolen. And I have a good friend who texted me after and said, ‘Are you okay? I heard you had a break-in. You know you’re not a real Russian spy, right?'”
I feel like that would be the perfect cover story for an actual Russian spy. Playing a fictional one, posing as a former teen queen via Felicity, turning our babies into giants with Rick Moranis! I’m onto you, Russell.
You got all of your stolen stuff back because it never left your home. There’s some hipster thief, with a handlebar mustache, rotting in your attic right now.
(Via The Late Show)