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‘Top Chef: New Orleans’ Recap: The Finale

By / 02.06.14

top chef finale judges table

Last week, on Top Chef: Shirley and Louis were sent home, or locked in a Hawaiian dungeon, or whatever it is they do with eliminated contestants at this point in the show.

This week, on Top Chef: The real finale between Nina, the heavy favorite, and Nicholas, who you’re probably rooting against. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.

-I’m setting the line on a Nina win at -185. Nicholas is +150.

-The two chefs will set up pop-up restaurants. The best meal gets the win. Unless they decide to give Nicholas immunity again.

-We start the episode at the judges table. Everyone is split. Some loved Nicholas’s duck, but Emeril’s was undercooked. I feel like we missed…something.

-We now flashback to 48 hours earlier, which happens to be the name of the spec script I’m working on to get Eddie Murphy’s comedy career back on track. Now I just have to figure out how he’s going to play a younger version of the character he played 31 years ago. The magic of film! Oh yeah, cooking show…

-The deciding meal will be of the four course variety, hopefully with wine pairings from Terlato. Terlato: When your dinner guests can’t tell the difference between good wine and bad.

padma gratuitous bikini shot

-Padma status: Wet and voluptuous.

-By the way, that scene with Padma emerging from the ocean was a total throwaway. It had nothing to do with anything other than, hey, Padma’s got great breasts! Let’s do something with that.

-We get a picture of Nicholas in a Tom Brady jersey, in case you forgot you were supposed to be rooting against him.

-Padma shows up in the cheftestant’s suite. She’s still wearing the bikini because continuity is important. She’s joined by a whole bunch of eliminated cheftestants who are carrying their knife rolls and hoping you still remember their names so that they can become Mike Isabella.

-They’ll be picking sous chefs. Nicholas immediately picks Jason. If you remember, those two are total bros from back in Philly. We were all a bit bummed when he got eliminated early in the competition, because he was great fodder.

-Nicholas also selects Louis and Brian. Sexist.

-Nina goes with Shirley, Stephanie and Travis. Shirley calls it Girls vs. Guys, which Travis laughs at because he’s a good gay sport.

-The chefs who weren’t selected are heading to the beach. Any excuse to get Janine and Padma in matching two pieces. Once sunset rolls around each of them will walk into the surf, never to be seen or heard from again. Sorry, Carlos.

-“This is your tree, bro. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut.” -Jason, who definitely left us too early to properly appreciate his epic bro-ness.

-Spoiler: Both chefs are starting with a crudo that Gail should definitely not be eating in her condition. Also, Nina is building in two extra surprise courses. So she’s cheating.

-Nina’s crew is setting up shop at the kitchen, and uh oh, there’s no ice cream machine. What in the ever-loving f*ck, Bravo? YOU HAD ONE JOB.

-Nicholas is letting Jason run with his specialty, the scallop noodle. I get that you need to delegate, buuuuut, that’s not your dish, broseph.

-Jason says he weighs 200 pounds, 65 of which is “hair and ego.” He also says “straight hood.” This guy is a mortal f*cking lock to land his own terrible show on Bravo.

-Nicholas tells Tom that he’s going to give panna cotta another try. Tom reminds him that it was “terrible” the first time. Tom stays Tom.

-Nina tells Tom that she’s making zeppole because of the lack of a SIMPLE GOD DAMN APPLIANCE. Tom questions her decision to make a dessert at all. “You always do this,” Nina exclaims. Then Tom laughs and laughs and laughs.

evil tom

Tom being evil. Image via my television screen.

 

-To be fair, Nicholas is taking charge on those scallop noodles. He’s dictating exactly what he wants.

-The chefs take a break from prep to go eat dinner with Tom and Emeril. But that’s not all! Siplings, spouses and parents are there as well. Hugs and kisses all around, now let’s eat.

-HOLY SH*T, Nicholas’s mom sounds exactly like one of the sisters from The Fighter. Ben Affleck goes to bed wishing he could conjure up this kind of accent.

-Nina’s brother looks a lot like Nina. Like a lot a lot.

-“I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty.” Sometimes the best/worst parts of this show is the commercials for Real Housewives of Some Place.

-“Remember that time you were cooking on the finale of Top Chef?” -Jason, showing why it’s good to have a bro on your side.

-Nina’s goat is “chewy as f*ck.” They kick up the temperature on the braise, so yikes.

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