A German Neo-Nazi Porn Star Was Fired For Having Sex With A Black Man
Amy Winehouse Will Be Your Next Unfortunate Dead Musician Hologram

‘Scandal’ Discussion: The Sex Chickens Have Come To Roost

By / 03.28.14

scandal

Previously on Scandal: Thank God James died before he had to see that gross loogy-kiss between Huck and Quinn.

First things first: I am livid. By having Fitz find his son’s Reston t-shirt prior to the big interview, Scandal robbed us all of the possibility that the son was going to reveal it on live television by dramatically ripping off his top shirt like a professional wrestler who was swapping allegiances in the middle of Summerslam. That would have been amazing. I don’t think I would have ever stopped laughing. I would have woken up this morning and edited together a quick sloppy video of Jim Ross shouting “MY GOD” over and over as it happened. They took that from me. They took that from all of us. Someone should be forced to resign over this. I am barely joking.

As far as the rest of the episode, in short, everyone is humping and it’s a disaster. Most notably, Mellie and Andrew’s affair got exposed in dramatic fashion, with her daughter walking in on them in flagrante delicto, which (a) led to Fitz ranting and raving and punching his handpicked vice presidential candidate in the face in a meeting full of staffers, and (b) was the cherry on the Weaponized Teen Angst sundae that was taking place last night. Seriously, those kids are doomed. This will almost definitely end with them, like, robbing a Popeye’s to pay off a drug dealer named Spider or something.

Oh, and a quick note about Fitz’s rant where he blamed Mellie for ruining their marriage by shutting down sexually after childbirth and “forcing” him into Olivia’s arms: Pretty sure, as recently as a year ago, she tried to perform oral sex on you in the shower while you drinking were scotch, and you shut her down because you were busy being a mopey day-drinking putz, as usual. Pipe down, bozo.

Elsewhere in the Scandal universe:

  • Cyrus is melting down and trying to attack highly-trained killers with vases, as one does when one melts down.
  • Olivia’s mom and Harrison’s mortal enemy/lover are plotting to possibly kill the president, and their plot involves drugging Harrison after seducing him in the office, because why wouldn’t you have sex with a dangerous terrorist in your place of business, which also happens to contain files and files of barely hidden government secrets?
  • Eli took a break from his fake Smithsonian job to give Jake a monologue about loneliness, which was brought about by Eli’s decision to help Olivia for possibly the first time ever.
  • Eli Pope continues to travel exclusively by stretch limousine. (My favorite running subplot of the show right now.)
  • Huck and Quinn are still doing the gross lick/spit, luv u/hate u thing that they started doing last week.
  • Charlie is confronting Quinn about this while they are covered in blood from drilling into a man’s insides.

So, basically, business as usual.

******

Not to play morality police in a recap of a show that literally featured two characters discussing trust issues in their relationship while covered in the blood of a man they were torturing with power tools or anything, but can you

even

imagine

the glowing, pulsating audacity it would require to chastise someone for having a high-profile, potentially disastrous affair with the spouse of the person with whom YOU have been having a long-term, high-profile, potentially disastrous affair? Mother of God, Olivia Pope. YOU DON’T GET TO SLEEP WITH THE PRESIDENT THEN YELL AT THE GUY WHO’S SLEEPING WITH THE FIRST LADY. That’s not how this works. I can’t believe I even have to say that. God bless Andrew — who is kind of a scumbag for fingerbanging his best friend’s wife in the middle of the day in a barely-curtained room just off a highly-trafficked hallway in a building that housed her children at the time, but whatever at this point — for going to the “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” thing, but perhaps the more apt metaphor would have been “people in glass houses shouldn’t HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” I mean, let’s keep it simple. There’s no need to bring stones into this.

In a related story, “Me and Mrs. Jones” is a great song and you should listen to it a lot.

******

baby

Uhhhhhhhhhhh am I the only one who totally forgot about that baby? Like, completely? Because I was sitting there watching the end of the episode last night and I was all “Huh, I wonder how they got the kids to cooperate for the interview. I guess we’ll find out in some dramatic flashback next week. Maybe they bribed them. That’s the only thing I can think of, because those kids were straight-up ready to bring down the republic about 60 seconds ago, and they seem very relaxed nHOLD ON WHERE THE F*CK DID THAT BABY COME FROM? Ohhhhh, that’s right. Mellie had a devious extortion baby last season. Huh.”

They should make a web series about the show from the baby’s point of view, like he’s an adorable little Greek chorus. Or maybe the baby could go on adventures when no one is looking, because apparently no one is ever looking. He could work for B6-13. They could get H. Jon Benjamin to do the voice. It would be like Archer meets Look Who’s Talking, but about a baby assassin. It would be twenty times more realistic than half the stuff that happened on Scandal this season.

Next time on Scandal: Yelling! Someone does a thing! Probably! I forgot to watch the preview!

Share This


TAGSABCSCANDAL

Join The Discussion


[avatar]

Join the discussion. or Register





Powered by WordPress.com VIP