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A Very Important And Scientific Ranking Of Jerry’s Girlfriends On ‘Seinfeld’

By 03.06.14

20) Valerie “The Millennium”

Valerie

Valerie seemed to be a mature, successful, confident, professional woman and certainly a fine match for someone as picky and finicky as Jerry. But what kind of woman ranks the people in her life by speed dial? And who wants to date a woman whose own stepmother would try to sleep with her boyfriend. Granted, it sounds fun and all, but it’s just strange. Side note again: So Kramer basically murdered the stepmother, right? Assuming that she didn’t get treated by poison control in time. Kavorka Score: 8.99999999999

19) Gina “The Suicide”

Gina

An exotic woman, sure. Sexy and mysterious with an overwhelming sense of danger. But she’s also a woman who would cheat on her husband while he was in a coma. That’s a pretty terrible sense of fidelity. No thanks. Also, no guy needs a woman who would constantly remind him that he’s weak. That’s what moms are for. Kavorka Score: 9.00076665

18) Rachel “The Raincoats”

Rachel

If memory serves correctly, Rachel was Jerry’s longest relationship on the show, spanning several episodes. I think she’s also one of a very few girlfriends that appeared in more than one episode (if she wasn’t the only one). But making out during Schindler’s List? What’s wrong with the two of them? Oh, and she saw George’s penis and caused his girlfriend to dump him. A guy’s gotta stick by his best bud on that one, even if he does have a small ding dong. Kavorka Score: 9.111456

17) Donna Chang “The Chinese Woman”

Donna Chang

If there could have been a spinoff of Seinfeld, it should have involved his girlfriends seeking therapy, because Donna Changstein would have been near the front of the line. What kind of woman pretends that she’s Chinese? Is it racist to pretend that you’re another nationality if you’re not doing it as an insult? Honest question, because I don’t know and I’d like to have an idea just in case I ever have to pretend to be a Chinese woman. Either way, Donna was still at least very wise and attractive, even if she was a terrible liar. Kavorka Score: 9.20004

16) Katya “The Gymnast”

Katya

Perhaps the most intimidating of all of Jerry’s girlfriends, she was also one of the worst. Katya only used Jerry because of the legend of the comedian in her country. She should have known better, because funny dudes are rarely good in bed, but I wouldn’t know because I’m not funny. Thank you very much, I will be here all night. Kavorka Score: 9.254418837

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15) Linette “The Summer of George”

Linette

She had a dude living with her. A dude with a dude’s hair and he walked around in a towel while Linette was getting ready for a date. Fidelity takes a huge shot to the gooners on this one. Kavorka Score: 9.311111

14) Christie “The Seven”

Christie

Christie could have made a real strong case for the Top 3 if she had ever bothered explaining why she always wore the same black and white dress. Years later, as this show has grown old and is only enjoyed by psychopaths like me in reruns, it still makes me angry that she wouldn’t reveal why she only wore that dress. It’s maddening, damn it. Kavorka Score: 9.3777879

13) Dolores “The Junior Mint”

Dolores

She was a woman of many names – Mulva, Bovary, Aretha, Gipple, among others – but Dolores was a woman who couldn’t forgive Jerry for something as silly and trivial as forgetting her name and still trying to sleep with her. I mean, it’s not like he was a jerk about it. Kavorka Score: 9.400198776

12) Tawni “The Conversion”

Tawni

We’re starting to get into some really tight competition here, as Tawni was one of the girls that never really got a fair shake from Jerry. It didn’t help that Jerry got off on the wrong foot by thinking that the anti-fungal cream belonged to her, but he could have done a lot worse than her even if she did have a stinky foot. (It ends at the foot, though, because science thinks fungus is gross.) Kavorka Score: 9.56671113

11) Sgt. Cathy “The Beard”

Cathy

As someone who watched Melrose Place regularly during its run, I don’t understand why Jerry was so afraid to admit it. He and Cathy could have watched together. It could have been sweet and meaningful. Instead, he made an ass out of himself with the lie detector test. But then, she also made him take the test in the first place, which shows how trusting she was. Counterpoint to all of it: A woman with handcuffs. Kavorka Score: 9.66766

10) Hallie “The Friars Club”

Hallie

Ultimately, Susan’s good friend would have been perfect for the group dynamic, as it would have given Jerry and George a reason to start distancing themselves from Kramer, who had proven to be a thief, backstabber and possible murderer. But there was no chemistry between Jerry and Hallie, and I blame that mostly on the fact that she didn’t seem too concerned with getting his jacket back right away. A man’s clothes, even if borrowed, mean something to him. Kavorka Score: 9.69999999

9) Claire “The Voice”

Claire

Claire’s biggest problem was her sense of humor, because she was a jerk for thinking that the stupid voice was comparable to Jerry calling her fat. Jerry made the mistake in letting her know about the voice, and that’s why she was crushed by a giant ball of oil. It’s a shame that she couldn’t have been ignorant to the voice AND been hit by the ball so he could have enjoyed the money that she got from Play Now in the lawsuit. Kavorka Score: 9.72225

8) Sharon “The Outing”

Sharon

Relationships that are defined by glaring age differences rarely work out, at least from my experience (no prom for me this year), but you can’t blame Jerry for jumping into a relationship with a college girl. Even if she was a lousy journalist that thought a good story was outing two guys and their secret relationship that didn’t actually exist. Not that there was anything wrong with it. Kavorka Score: 9.7488876

7) Tia “The Pick”

Tia

To this day, no female character on Seinfeld makes me as irrationally angry as Tia does. How on Earth could a so-called civilized and educated women just kick a good man to the curb for possibly picking his nose? What would happen if they took a vacation to somewhere dry like Arizona? Would she just pretend that her nose wasn’t loaded with dirt devils? As for Jerry, losing a Calvin Klein model to some nose-digging might have been his lowest moment. Kavorka Score: 9.800000001

6) Lena “The Sponge”

Lena

She might have been the kindest and most compassionate girl that Jerry dated, but that closet full of sponges said something completely different. And she wouldn’t date Jerry anymore because he changed the 32 to a 31 on his jeans? What the hell is that nonsense? Lena was a mess and far more depraved than we knew. Kavorka Score: 9.83346535

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5) Melissa “The Apology”

Melissa

There’s good naked and bad naked, and Melissa was so much good naked that she deserved a spinoff sitcom of her own, as she’d walk around using random items to hide her private areas from view so the censors and family values people didn’t drop dead. And she was right to criticize Jerry’s naked attempt, too, because nobody needs to see that. But the pickles, man. It definitely ruins the experience. Kavorka Score: 9.8556555234542999

4) Patty “The Serenity Now”

Patty

I’ll tell you, they don’t make ‘em like Lori Loughlin that much anymore. Forget that Aunt Becky still looks fantastic all these years later, she was far and away the most underrated girlfriend that Jerry had over 9 seasons. The only problem was that she convinced him to open up, which was a clear indicator that she’s temperamental and confrontational. That was never Jerry’s style. Kavorka Score: 9.900000466666

3) Nicki “The Calzone”

Nikki

If Nicki was so smart and manipulative, how did she end up falling for Todd Gack’s lazy pickup nonsense? Sure, like most guys, I tried Todd’s scheme and it definitely worked sometimes, but Nicki was supposed to be above that. Even Marla dated up to JFK Jr., but Todd Gack? That showed poor decision-making and a weakened intelligence. Kavorka Score: 9.9877472366363

2) Sidra “The Implant”

Sidra

I bet everyone looked at this list and thought, “Gee, I bet Teri Hatcher is going to be No. 1 because ‘they’re real and they’re spectacular.’” Well, you’re all wrong. Sure, we all fondly look back at Teri’s cameo as Sidra and think, “DAMNNNNNN!” but that doesn’t necessarily make her the best. After all, that would be insulting to the process. Instead, the No. 1 girlfriend is far less superficial. Kavorka Score: 9.9945876587345

1) Sandy and Laura “The Switch”

Sandy and Laura

They wanted to have a threeway with Jerry and turn him into an orgy guy. Jerry should have listened to George on this one. It could have taken the show in a bold, new direction with Jerry as an orgy guy and his ladies with their “big chorus ha” laughter. In conclusion, scientific rankings always prefer threeways to logic. Kavorka Score: 20.00

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(Images via NBC, WikiSein and Daily Seinfeld)


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TAGSjerry seinfeldrankingsRANKINGS THAT DONT MEAN ANYTHINGSeinfeld

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