You know, after last night’s episode of Justified, I’m really starting to think Boyd might never get to open that Dairy Queen franchise.
I could be wrong. Maybe he’s still got “Become a Dixie ice cream magnate” circled with little stars around it on a blood-splattered whiteboard in a back room at Johnny’s. But it just seems like, with all that has transpired since he first announced his dairy-related plan to go legit, he may have a few other things on his plate. And by “a few other things,” what I mean is “replace the trusted henchmen that he lost this year, forge new ties with high-ranking members of the Harlan community after the old ones were severed rather dramatically via bullet to the throat, try to avoid retaliation from the Mexican cartel that he went to great lengths to upset, figure out if he can trust Wynn and Katherine as business partners now that they appear to hold all the power in the relationship, and deal with the fact that his former fiancée is now — unbeknownst to him — helping his sworn rival put together a RICO case against him that could put him away for 50 years.” Like I said, a few things.
But matters of dessert aside, the important thing about last night’s Season 5 finale wasn’t so much the closure it provided as it was the place settings it laid out on the table for next season. Everyone involved in the show has always said that it would come down to Raylan, Boyd, and Ava, and now we’re starting to see how that endgame will play out, with Ava turning snitch — to escape being murdered in prison for being accused of turning snitch, which is quite the twist — to help Raylan try to bring down Boyd once and for all. I’ve said a few times that I wasn’t a huge fan of the arc about Ava in prison, but to the degree it gets us all where we need to go by the end of the series, I’m very willing to go back and cut it some slack in hindsight when the time comes. We’ll have to see, and I can’t wait to do just that.
And now, the highlights:
- In other news, as expected, Darryl Crowe, Jr. met his maker, courtesy of his sister Wendy, who took it upon herself to record him confessing to shooting Art before putting two bullets in very sensitive places.
- And Raylan got in the last word as Darryl gurgled on his blood, calling back to their elevator conversation by saying, “Didn’t I tell you you were gonna wish I killed you? Well, don’t ya?,” presumably implying that he is much more professional and clean in his vengeance killings.
- On that note, Lord, I don’t particularly want to die at all, but if you don’t see fit to make me immortal, please don’t let anybody shoot my dick off before letting me drown on my own blood on the floor of a backwoods Kentucky whorehouse. This is really all I ask. Amen.
- If this is indeed the last we see of the remaining Crowes, I will say that, although I wasn’t a huge fan of Darryl this season, I will honestly miss Wendy, Kendal, and Dewey. Especially Dewey, the show’s own little Nincompoop Icarus. I hope someone brings those turtle dogs to him in prison.
- If this weren’t the finale, and I didn’t have actual, important business to get to up top, the entire first two paragraphs of this post would have been about Kendal Crowe saying “It’s a goddamn dinosaur. Who gives a shit?” about the gator he killed after Raylan tried to Good Cop him with the story about killing a pig.
- Wendy Crowe is a tramp-stamp-having paralegal who (a) masqueraded as a lawyer, (b) brought her son up by letting him believe she was his sister, and (c) shot her brother’s penis off in a Kentucky brothel. Wendy Crowe is so Florida she might as well be a mosquito with Mickey Mouse ears.
- Back to Boyd, because that’s where most of the focus was last night. First of all, jumping ahead a bit, hey, nice shot, buddy…
- Which brings me to my larger point: when the other Salamanca twin finds out that Boyd killed his brother, there is going to be hell to pay. (I choose to believe Justified and Breaking Bad exist in the same universe, which is why it’s so confusing to me that Jesse’s drug counselor is pushing narcotics from inside a luxurious RV. I assume this will also be explained in the final season.)
- The thing where Boyd tried to bribe the Mexicans with a trip to Vegas … we all desperately want to go to Vegas with Boyd Crowder, yes?
- What if that’s all the final season is? Like, what if Boyd figures out Ava is working with Raylan in the season premiere and is all “Nooooope. That’s it. I’m out” and flees to Las Vegas to start a new empire there under an alias like Zeke Ruthless or something?
- WHAT IF HE RUNS INTO JACKIE NEVADA IN LAS VEGAS AND THEY TEAM-UP TO TAKE OVER THE SIN CITY UNDERWORLD?
- GIVE ME THIS.
- RIP Jimmy. You were my favorite secretly bilingual member of the Crowder gang, and you will be missed. (NOTE: Working at Johnny’s remains THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD.)
- As far as the final meeting with Wynn and Katherine (who drags out her s’s like the snake in the cartoon Robin Hood movie, and I love it), three thoughts: 1) Current status: ‘shipping Wynn and Katherine HARD, 2) I laughed out loud when Boyd quoted JFK, and 3) Regarding this exchange…
- … you know who happens to run a prominent — albeit not necessarily “above board” — bank in Kentucky, who we didn’t see at all this season, but who showrunner Graham Yost has said will probably appear again before they shut off the lights and lock the door on the show for good?
- GIVE ME THIS, ALSO.
- Moving to other business, please add both “slow nights in champagne rooms” and “sleeping in his truck” to “dangerous business” and “silver-tongued criminals” on the list of things that give Tim a Marshal stiffy, if you will.
- Soooooooo scale of 1 to 10, how livid do you think Winona is going to be when Raylan fires up Skype to tell her that, yeeeaaahhh, that thing about moving to Florida that relieved/thrilled her to the point it caused tears to start shooting out of her face like someone kicked the cover off a fire hydrant… not gonna happen. Not until Raylan takes a few more months to risk his life to try to take down a violent criminal who knows him better than most people know their best friends. That should be fun.
- Big fan of the whole “change the name of the contact in your phone so it looks like you’re texting someone else” move Boyd pulled on the cartel to avoid getting skinned alive. Not sure if I’ll ever need to use it, but still, one for the file.
- Also, big fan of the fact that Raylan and Boyd have each other’s cell phone numbers. That’s sweet.
- And finally, ending the season with Raylan saying “Everything’s gonna be fine” while “You’ll Never Leave Harlan Alive” played… that was a nice touch.
Okay, that’s it for me, for the episode and the season. Thanks to all of you for the fun conversation. Justified is my favorite show to write about, and a big part of that is the community here. Y’all are the best. Also, double-triple thanks to Chet Manley for making the GIFs every week. These recaps wouldn’t be the same with out him/them.
Feel free to chime in below. Another season in the books. One to go. I can’t wait. Please do not shoot me in the penis.
