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‘Scandal’ Recap: The President Has A Baguette In His Pants

By / 04.04.14
olivia

ABC


Previously on Scandal: Everyone’s humping! Some people are getting punched! I forgot Fitz and Mellie had that baby!

What did Olivia do last night?

Well, in her capacity as campaign manager, she put an end to the affair the potential Vice President and First Lady were having by threatening to destroy the potential Vice President, despite the fact that she has been having an affair with the President for his entire first term, because why be just a devious hired goon who does the President’s dirty personal work for him when you can instead be all that AND a spectacular hypocrite, right? (And on that note, THANK GOD Mellie slapped Fitz in his big stupid face. Dude sent his mistress to put an end to his wife’s affair. A wife he admits he doesn’t even love anymore! WHO DOES THAT? Ugh. What an unbelievable putz. I need a 10-minute loop of him getting slapped, like this one of Joffrey. Maybe Peter Dinklage could even show up next week to slap him a few times. I would like that.)

And then, in her free time, she and her co-workers more or less committed treason by crippling the government’s top spy agency from a souped-up Mac in their office, interrupting an investigation involving a giant bomb with leader of the free world’s name on it in the process, all because, basically, she had long-standing personal conflicts with lots of people who work (or worked) there. B6-13 is a shady organization full of liars and serial killers, sure, but when you zoom out and look at what she did as an impartial observer — say, as a U.S. Attorney that wasn’t standing right over her shoulder because he’s boinking her employee — that’s what happened here.

I may need to update my rankings. Liv’s gunning for the top three now.

Elsewhere:

  • So everyone talks like Eli Pope now. Maybe they always have. All I know is that once I realized Jake had started doing the whole “THIS is how I TALKnow: Putting weird PAU-ses and EM-pha-SIS into my sen-ten-ces, and sometimes com-BI-ning WORDStogether to MAKE … A …. POINT” thing, I couldn’t help but notice it in other characters, too. They all do it to varying degrees, with Eli at the top of the pyramid, obviously, but they definitely all do it. You won’t be able to unhear this now. I’m sorry. (I am not sorry.)
  • Harrison’s ladyfriend got killed by Olivia’s mom and his other ladyfriend/mortal enemy. Harrison is awful at associating with women.
  • Abby was playing Pretend Olivia, from trying to run the meeting at the beginning to giving a pep talk at the end. All that was missing was a glass of wine as big as her head.
  • Charlie and Quinn did a thing in a van until the power went out. The end.
  • Everyone worked together to bury Reston, who really seems like a nice guy all around who just wants his wife to rot in prison forever for a crime he committed. No big deal. (Speaking of “no big deal,” uh, I feel like there should have been more fallout from that video than “Welp, he’s outta the race now.”)
  • Here’s the thing, and I’d like a little credit for showing the restraint to wait until this point to bring it up (except for the part where I mentioned it in the headline, which I would prefer you ignore for the moment while I pat myself on the back): Aren’t baguettes and breadsticks both kind of flattering descriptions of penis size? I mean, have you seen a breadstick? The ones at Olive Garden are like eight inches long and as thick as a baby’s forearm. And that’s what you’re going for with the small end of your analogy? Jesus. You’re a reporter. Use your words. And do we really want our President’s giant swinging phallus compared to a French baked good? From now on we call it the Freedom Bologna and THAT’S THAT.

I’m glad we settled that.

*****
fitz

I did it. I finally did it. I figured out how to make Fitz tolerable. Are you ready? Are you? Because you’re gonna kick yourself when you realize how easy this was. Okay, here goes…

Just pretend he’s a 3-year-old. That’s it. Pretend he’s an actual 3-year-old President in an over-sized suit, with his sleeves flopping over his wittle hands, and his tiny feet storming around the Oval Office. Suddenly lines like “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO” magically transform from the childish rantings of an absurd manbaby into an adorable little tantrum by a tuckered-out toddler. Awwww, he just needs a nap and some apple juice, guys. That’s why he’s so angry about little Andy playing with Mellie instead of him. Give him his blocks. He loves playing with those.

(Admittedly this solution becomes troublesome when he starts, like, fingerbanging his mistress in a storage closet or whatever. Let’s just call that “playing house.”)

*****
DINNER

I would really like to read the Yelp review of this restaurant that the couple in the background wrote after overhearing the murder-and-vengeance conversation Olivia had with her parents at dinner. I bet they knocked it down a full star.

Next time on Scandal: Is the President going to die? Maybe! But probably not!

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