Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – On tonight’s episode, EVERYBODY GOES TO HAWAII! Wait, no, they already did that one. I mean EVERYBODY GOES TO LAS VEGAS! Hold on. They did that one, too. Just last month, actually. Which one is this? Oh yeah, EVERYBODY GOES TO AUSTRALIA! (If this series stays on the air another five or six seasons, mark my words, they will all end up on the moon at some point.)
The Americans (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – Tonight’s episode is titled “Martial Eagle,” which I would like more if it were spelled “Marshall Eagle” and was in reference to a new character the show was introducing. “What’s your name?” “Who wants to know?” “Special agent Marshall Eagle, ma’am. I’m gonna need you to come with me.”
The Fabulous Life Of… (VH1 10:00 p.m.) – VH1 has apparently run out of fabulous individuals to profile, so tonight’s episode is about the entire city of Atlanta. I hope this trend continues long enough for them to get all the way down to Camden on the list.
Arrow (CW, 8:00 p.m.) – You know how Mad Men‘s description are always super short and vague? Yeah, Arrow doesn’t go that route. From TV Guide: “The serum mirakuru sends Roy into an uncontrolled rage that leads to deadly consequences. Oliver tries to stop him, but Sara believes he is too far gone and wants to kill him. Meanwhile, Thea believes she can get through to Roy and tries to lure him to Verdant.” I really feel like you could keep up with the show just by reading these.
Legit (FXX, 10:00 p.m.) – Jim performs sexual acts to try to land some roles. That’s Hollywood for ya.
Unusually Thicke (TV Guide Network, 10:00 p.m.) – Alan Thicke’s reality shows fascinates me. I think it’s the title. I feel like Alan Thicke is trying to tell us something.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Tim Allen and Ginnifer Goodwin are on Kimmel; Sally Field and Timothy Simons (JONAH!) are on Letterman; Eddie Izzard and Lyle Lovett are on Ferguson; Cameron Diaz and Jim Gaffigan are on Fallon; and Colin Quinn is on Meyers.