How do I love Scottsdale CBS affiliate KPHO’s report about pets eating their owners’ marijuana? Let me count the ways:
1) It is literally a news story about pets getting high.
2) Specifically, it’s a scare piece, like one of those breathless “They’re called ‘Vacuum Parties’ and your teen might be at one RIGHT NOW” reports, but about pets — dogs, mostly — getting high.
3) How much of a scare piece is it? Look at the banner picture. That much.
4) Like 20 seconds after dropping frightening statistics like “25 cases a month” and “double the amount from last year” and “three times the amount from 2012,” they interview a veterinarian who says that it’s generally not toxic, and usually just results in the dogs becoming sedate and acting “stuperous.”
5) They tie the dangerous rise in pets getting high to the state’s passage of medical marijuana laws, which makes sense, I suppose, since it’s mostly the baked goods and candies that the pets are getting into. This is the stock footage the roll to illustrate this:
6) “SEXY HARLOTS ARE WOOING YOUR TEENS WITH CHEAP GOVERNMENT WEED AND IT COULD BE KILLING YOUR BELOVED POODLE, FLUFFY. MORE AT 11.”
7) This quote, which comes at the end, and is delightfully phrased:
Vets say a pup’s symptoms are actually very similar to symptoms you’d see in a human: lounging around, excessive panting, and upset stomach. No munchies, though.
8) EXCESSIVE PANTING.
So, eight ways, basically. I love it eight ways.
Disclaimer: UPROXX does not advocate giving your pet drugs. Don’t do that, on purpose or by accident. UPROXX just thinks it’s really, really funny that the news dispatched two men in suits and one in a lab coat to scare your grandma about it.