Last week a writer for HuffPo named Annelia Alex wrote a piece titled “The Lies I Learned From Dumb TV.” It wasn’t nearly as mean as the words “lies” and “dumb” in the headline seem to imply. Rather, it was your basic “Hey, Isn’t It Ca-Razy That Things in Real Life Aren’t Like They Were in Those Shows Aimed at Children We Watched When We Were Nine” explainer that you see pop up hundreds of times a year on the Internet, occasionally written by me. (Whatever. Like you’re so great.) For example, here’s what Alex had to say about Full House in her piece.
Five minutes before the end of every episode, one of the girls would get upset, run away (to her room, to the top of a baseball dugout, into a Disney parade float, etc.), and one of the adults would say, “I’ll go talk to her.” Then they would have an issue-resolving, self-affirming heart-to-heart with enough time for a zinger before the credits and theme music.
I tried this all the time as a kid and no one ever chased after me.
She followed that with a lengthy story about her brother eating her Chex Mix and her running off to her room about it all, which I only mention as context for what comes next, which is kind of nuts, quite frankly. It turns out that the largely harmless, pointless pageview-fodder that Alex put together ended up in front of the piercing blue eyes belonging to Uncle Jesse himself, John Stamos. And he was pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he took to his Facebook page to call her out by name:
annelia, if you hadn’t watched those check mix shows like FULL HOUSE you wouldn’t have been open minded and bright enough to write an article like you just did- on the other hand – don’t blame the way your life turned out because of TGIF – if you’re lucky enough to have kids – maybe you should have them watch re-runs of Breaking Bad- see how that turns out. i get what you’re saying – i agree we did some silly unrealistic stuff-and maybe it’s not the way everyday families are today – ALTHOUGH – more so now then when we made the show – meaning, more broken families, same sex parents- let’s focus on that and not the unrealistic stuff – because the happiness that these shows have brought to peoples lives – i’ve felt that more first hand than i’m sure you have…. also – i bet more good than bad came out of those shows. sorry it didn’t turn out that way for you annelia or you simply just weren’t bright enough to take the good from what we did and laugh at the rest. JOHN STAMOS
The best part of all of this is that he signed that personal attack at the end with his own name in all caps, like he was yelling it at her. I like to imagine this is how he ends all of his angry rants. Like, a waiter accidentally forgets to put his salad dressing on the side and he’s all “… and that, Kevin, is why you’ll never do anything with your life, and you’ll be stuck as a waiter in this filth-encrusted Topeka Applebees until your miserable little life comes to its pitiful little end. JOHN STAMOS” before slamming his napkin down on the table and walking out. I would enjoy that.
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