If you’ve spent any time on the Internet, you know that if you type the name of practically any actress into Google, inevitably one of the first autofills is for “feet.” I’ve never been interested in letting Google do its thing, because with all due respect to Rex Ryan, feet ranks between pictures of dead grunge bassists and smearing mud on my ass in my personal fetish power rankings, but after seeing this…
…I decided I needed to check out this phenomenon. That’s how I ended up on wikiFeet, “a free collaborative site featuring Celebrity-Feet pictures.” The website claims to “probably [being] the largest celebrity feet database EVER,” making it a sort of Mr. Skin for people who hate skin without bunions.
Here are a few TRUTHS I learned.
TRUTH: the hottest celebrity feet belong to…Selena Gomez.
TRUTH: the second hottest, Emma Watson.
TRUTH: the actress with the least hot feet is Claira Watson Parr (?).
TRUTH: here is the type of thing one would say about Jennifer Aniston’s feet: “I’d jump all over that. I used to have a massive collection of women touching their own feet.”
TRUTH: and Jennifer Lawrence: “There really should be a ranking higher than ‘Beautiful.’ Something that quantifies the total integration of beautiful feet on well turned ankles with gorgeous legs flowing to a perfect butt.. you get my drift. I’ve seen beautiful feet only to be topped with grossly thick ankles or stubby legs. Just kind of thinking out loud. Jennifer Lawrence would get that rating.”
TRUTH: rapper Kitty Pryde has the same shoe size (13) as a 6′ 9″ German “giantess.”
TRUTH: the Elvis Presley of uploading feet pictures is some guy named Mr Hate. He’s put 108,931 (!) photos onto wikiFeet. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything 108,931 times.
TRUTH: Mama Cass Elliot, who has been dead for 40 years, has “ugly feet.”
TRUTH: the war over whether Quentin Tarantino’s favorite lady, Uma Thurman, has good feet rages on. Who you got: “Her feet are jurassic! Most definitely among my 5 least favorite of the more prominent women in showbusiness!” vs. “Her feet are just amazing,but when she paints her toenails WOW!!!!!”
TRUTH: there’s a rival foot fetish website called Celebrity Feet in the Pose. It’s run by a 23-year-old Psychology major who takes requests. He updates on Christmas Eve.