The measure of a good show is that no matter how much time passes between the final episode of one season and the first episode of another, people remember exactly where it left off. Sons of Anarchy is a pretty good example for me, because it always feels like years pass between each season, but I never have to hit the books to get caught up on everything that happened, at least not before FX plays the “Here’s what happened last season…” montage. True Blood, though, is a different monster, because I don’t know many viewers who remembered anything about where Season 6 left us. Hell, I had to pull up my own recap for a reminder.
But here we are, on the doorstep of the seventh and final season of HBO’s once-hit supernatural soap opera, True Blood. When Season 6 ended with “Radioactive,” a horde of vampires was about to crash a Bon Temps party that was uniting the town’s vampires with clean human feeders in order to avoid the Hepatitis-V outbreak. The disease was orchestrated by the Governor of Louisiana, who isn’t with us anymore since Bill Compton ripped his f*cking head off. But there is no avoiding the Hep-V strain, as the infected have arrived, and they’re wasting no time bringing us a war. Finally.
True or False: When this show wants to be good, it can be f*cking good.
Oh True Blood, we spent the entire sixth season waiting for you to deliver us a war between the vampires and humans. What we got was a relatively entertaining raid on the vampire testing facilities, but we were left with a big, ol’ case of “true balls,” which is my new trademarked catch phrase for when this show builds up to something only to zip up and walk out the front door. But the start of the seventh and final season’s first episode, “Jesus Gonna Be Here,” was pretty great.
Of course, we did get screwed out of all the action, as there were a few leaps in the blood and violence, but the plot for the final season was rolled out nicely before us – the Hep-V vampires are not f*cking around, and they will destroy every uninfected vampire, werewolf and faerie in their paths in order to feed on every last human. It seems that the virus makes them even hungrier than they already are, so the goal of raiding the party was to take some snacks home with them. That is, until a mysterious individual whistled and the raid was over. All in all, the episode was good, but that strong opening was a great way to make up for the slow, drawn out and disappointing ending of Season 6.
True or False: I was way, way off about Tara’s mom. But I was oh so right about Tara.
I totally whiffed on the closure between Tara and her mom, because I was so dumbfounded about the leap forward to Mayor Sam Merlotte’s term that I didn’t understand that it was actually a strangely special moment… that had a mom offering to be food for her vampire daughter. I’m sorry for being redundant, it’s just strange, okay? Regardless, when it was leaked that someone “big” was going to die in “Jesus Gonna Be Here,” I just knew it was Tara, because where else was she going? Still, I’ll pose this question – is she actually dead? We didn’t see a body, just her mom covered in blood and crying.
I’m all for happy endings, so I’ll predict that Tara shows up again and is infected with Hep-V, and they somehow cure her, so she can go on living with her mom… and feeding from her. Seriously, so weird.
True or False: Holy sh*t, everybody in Bon Temps hates Sookie with every ounce of slaughtered human and vampire blood.
Nothing good has happened to Bon Temps since Sookie Stackhouse showed up all those years ago. The burden of a faerie with telepathic powers is that she can hear every word that everyone is thinking about her, and the verdict is in – Sookie, you ain’t gots to go home, but you gots to get the hell out of Bon Temps. To make things even worse, Sookie caught Alcide saying mean things about her. If these people and werewolves aren’t careful, they’re going to give this poor girl a complex, and then she’ll end up rebelling by sleeping with every man in town.
Sorry, I’m legally obligated to make that comment every time I write or talk about True Blood. At least Sookie realized that she was being mean to Alcide and remedied that by sleeping with him, before she stood up to everyone at the end of the episode. But we’ll get to the idiot humans of Bon Temp in a moment.
True or False: Sam is the worst mayor ever.
Technically, it’s not Sam’s fault that his party to bring the humans together with vampires for the sake of turning them into food was ruined by psychotic vampires infected with a horrifying disease that is slowly making them melt. But I’m not sure why Sam was even qualified to become mayor in the first place. Honestly, I’d like to see some of his campaign material to find out what his qualifications were, and I’m probably going to want to issue a recall as soon as the townspeople aren’t terrified of leaving their homes.
True or False: The guy he beat is even worse. There is nothing less intimidating than his band of concerned citizens.
Vincent might be my new least favorite character on True Blood. That’s a huge accomplishment. We quickly learned that Vincent lost to Sam in the Bon Temps mayoral election, so there’s bad blood between them. Fortunately, Vincent was looking out the window at just the right time when Sam returned from looking for Arlene and Holly (who have both been kidnapped by the horde) and he turned from a wolf back into a naked human.
Side note: Nothing makes me laugh harder than Sam’s shapeshifting. Like howling laughter. (I’ll update this with a GIF as soon as I can.)
Anyway, Vincent is now the leader of a band of pissed off humans who walk around Bon Temps with wooden stakes and a shotgun, like they are going to do anything to the vampires. In fact, let’s use that as our segue into the next plot point…