Big Brother 16 (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. Big Brother 16 hasn’t even started airing yet and it’s already in the middle of its first controversy over racist and homophobic comments by a contestant, thanks to proud Texan Caleb calling President Obama a “Muslim monkey” and throwing around gay slurs in a since-deleted Instagram post. Above, please find a picture of the empty Big Brother house, which appears to be the only way to keep members of the cast from causing trouble.
Mystery Girls (ABC Family, 8:30 p.m.) – Series premiere and hooooooooooly sh*t look at this summary from TV Line: “When a rumor spreads that actress Holly Hamilton (Tori Spelling, 90210) is dead and someone’s trying to sell her old sex tape, a very much alive Holly and her former castmate Charlie (Jennie Garth, 90210) fake a funeral to track down the culprit.” Good Lord.
Suits (USA, 9:00 p.m.) – New favorite thing about Suits: No one ever calls or texts with news. Last week Mike showed up at Harvey’s 40th floor office at like 9:00 p.m. for a 30-second visit just to explain that he’s not going to roll over. TEXT THAT, HOMIE. There’s work to be done and you have a beautiful significant other waiting for you at home. There’s no time for these kinds of dalliances.
Hunt for the Super Predator (Smithsonian, 9:00 p.m.) – Remember that story from a few weeks ago about the mysterious sea beast that ate a 9-foot-long great white shark, and how it was probably “colossal cannibal great white shark” that did it? Here’s the show about that. I stand by this 100%.
Taxi Brooklyn (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – Series premiere. From TV Guide: “A tough lady detective (Chyler Leigh) joins forces with a streetwise New York cabbie (Jacky Ido) to solve crimes and investigate her father’s murder.” I can’t decide if I want to avoid this show like the plague or watch it and write 2000 words about it.
Wilfred (FXX, 10:00 p.m.) – Final season premiere. Back-to-back episodes, the second of which features Ryan and Wilfred getting an unexpected camping guest. My guess: Former NBA All-Star Lafayette “Fat” Lever.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Mark Wahlberg and Ben Falcone on Letterman; Alfred Molina on Ferguson; Gary Oldman and Nathan Fielder on Kimmel; and Eric Bana and Andy Serkis on Conan.