Suits (USA Network, 9:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. Tonight is the season premiere of Suits, even though last season’s finale was only two months ago. In case you were wondering, yes, I still have a lot of opinions about Suits, partially because I will watch literally any lawyer show anyone makes anywhere, and partially because of a second reason that I definitely have and will tell you once I think of it. Whatever. I don’t have to explain myself to you people. Buncha Louises.
Graceland (USA Network, 10:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. This show, on the other hand… For those of you who don’t know, Graceland is about an undercover unit with members from all the biggest branches of law enforcement — FBI, DEA, etc. — who play by their own rules and always get their man and live together in a giant beach house. It is the most USA show possible.
The 100 (CW, 9:00 p.m.) – Part two of the season finale. According to TV Guide “Bellamy forces Octavia to make a difficult decision” and “Finn takes a risk.” I hope both of those things involve someone trying to ramp a canyon.
Guys’ Choice Awards (Spike, 9:00 p.m.) – Guess if Mark Wahlberg and Kevin Hart will be in attendance. GUESS.
Duck Dynasty (A&E, 10:00 p.m.) – Hey, speaking of ducks, here’s a giant oral history of the Mighty Ducks movies from Time Magazine.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Christopher Walken and Janelle Monae are on Letterman; Jay Baruchel and Regina Hall are on Ferguson; Barbara Walters, Honey Boo Boo, and Iliza Shlesinger are on Fallon; John Oliver and Natasha Lyonne are on Meyers; and Jack White is on Conan.