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Let’s Take A Moment To Honor The Shows We Know The Emmys Won’t Ever Celebrate

By 07.09.14

Outstanding Show That a Guy Should Tell Girls He Watches If He Wants Them to Think He’s CoolScandal



This is just a scientific theory that I’m working on, but it seems that females really love watching Scandal. A lot of guys like it, too, but I think they’re just watching it so they can say things like, “Yeah, Kerry Washington is so powerful and engaging in that role… another Jager bomb?”


At this point, we’d take a break to recognize the series that were canceled in the last year or three. Basically, Adele would sing something really powerful while I drunkenly scream at the audience about why it’s bullsh*t that shows like Happy Endings, Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 and Surviving Jack are canceled while Charlie Sheen gets a 90 episode deal to make the worst “edgy” jokes I’ve ever heard.


Outstanding Effort to Keep Rachel Bilson on TVHart of Dixie

Hart of Dixie

The CW

I haven’t watched a minute of this show, but every once in a while I see a commercial and I think, “Aw, Rachel Bilson is pretty cute,” and then someone reminds me that she’s having a kid with Hayden Christensen and then nothing makes sense anymore.

Outstanding Series That Has to Be Mentioned So People Don’t Freak OutCommunity

Alison Brie


Community’s brilliant. It’s the smartest and most clever show on TV today and in the last 30 years. Dan Harmon is a genius who should be given Chuck Lorre status in Hollywood so he can save NBC and continue to turn wonderful young actors like Donald Glover into stars. *checks Internet credibility standings, reaches first place, fist pump*

Outstanding Work By Showrunners in Knowing That They Have Us In the Palms of Their Hands, As If They’re Galactus and We’re Just a Puny PlanetMarvel’s Agents of SHIELD



After each episode, I’d talk to a few friends about what went down on SHIELD that week and each conversation usually went like this:

Friend: “Is that dude important?”
Me: “Probably not.”
Friend: “Skye’s pretty hot, though.”

And yet we couldn’t stop watching because at any point they could have dropped some stupid little Easter egg that might have given us some sort of insight into Avengers: Age of Ultron. That, my friends, is the true power of a beloved blockbuster franchise.

Outstandingly Hilariously Stupid Made for TV Movie that is Already Basically Jumping Its Own NameSharknado



The original Sharknado deserves to be honored for excellence in being so amazingly terrible that people loved it way more than they should have. But then as Ian Ziering or the toddler that runs SyFy accepts the Emmy, I get to whisper, “By accepting this, you agree to not make any more Sharknado movies after Sharknado 2: The Second One, because paying Jared from Subway to act is really not cool” and then it becomes a binding verbal contract.

Outstanding Home Improvement Series That is Clearly Fake but It’s Still So Much Fun to WatchLove It or List It

Love it or List it


I just want to be on one home improvement show so I can be that guy who’s always like, “You’re ruining my house and I don’t share your vision! What you’re doing is wrong and now we’re stuck with this because you can’t do your job!” But then the house is finished and I’m like, “I love it, I can’t believe that you actually pulled it off,” but I never actually thank Hillary for doing her job, because renovating my dream home is a thankless job.

Outstanding Performance by an Actress Doing Cocaine – Judith Light, Dallas



Every once in a while, Danger Guerrero reminds me of this GIF and I can’t thank him enough.

Outstanding Pile of What the F*ck Am I Watching Right Now?The Following

The Following


Not all of my new Emmys will be positive, because some shows deserve to be publicly scorned. In this case, The Following should be pelted with rotten vegetables in the public square or on the Emmys stage for taking a seemingly awesome idea – a serial killer has inspired a cult and it runs so deep that he’s able to escape prison and pursue the man who devoted his career to locking him up, and who also took his wife – and turning it into a hilarious mess of one stupid turn after another. I’m hoping that the final episode has Joe Carroll facing a hanging on the White House lawn and right as the executioner is about to pull the lever, the President winks at Joe and they fly off together on a jetpack while bees sting Ryan Hardy on his face.


Finally, the Emmy ceremony closes with a montage of the funniest moments on this past season of 2 Broke Girls. It looks like this:

2 broke girls


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