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Weekend Preview: AMERICA, That’s What

By 07.03.14
independence day simpsons

FOX


Rectify (Sundance, 9 p.m., Thursday) — Whenever I talk to anyone about Rectify, the first two things they say are, “That show’s great,” and “Abigail Spencer has amazing hair.” They’re not wrong.

Comedy Bang! Bang! (IFC, 10:30 p.m., Thursday) — Alison Brie alert!

Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular (NBC, 8 p.m., Friday) — Make sure you’ve got porno magazines, large box of condoms, a couple of those panty shields, some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas before your July 4th party begins.

The Legend of Korra (Nick, 8 p.m., Friday) — There’s no new episode Friday — last week’s premiere is on again — but this show is often awesome, and if you haven’t checked it out, you should. Assuming you’ve already seen Avatar: The Last Airbender, which was ALWAYS awesome.

Bad Teacher (CBS, 8 p.m., Saturday) — It’s the summer, so you know what that means: networks burning off their forgotten shows when literally no one is watching!

Miley Cyrus: Bangerz Tour — (NBC, 9 p.m., Sunday) — Want to see Miley Cyrus wearing next to nothing in the comfort of your home? That’s what the Internet is for, you pervert.

Naked and Afraid: Uncensored (Discovery, 9 p.m., Sunday) — Speaking of pervs…

Talking Dead (AMC, 9 p.m., Sunday) — It’s the Walking Dead season five preview special! I don’t know what that means, or why you’d watch it, but there will be dumb hashtags. #IndeadpendenceDay

True Blood (HBO, 9 p.m., Sunday) — Tonight’s episode is called “Fire In the Hole,” and I’m going to be really disappointed if it’s not about an STD of some sort. Can vampires give humans STDs, and vice versa? These are the questions True Blood should be answering.

The Leftovers (HBO, 10 p.m., Sunday) — Remember that one episode of Six Feet Under where Justin Theroux’s character, who plays the french horn, gets tied to a bed because he’s into some really kinky stuff with Brenda? I wonder if that will happen on The Leftovers.

And here’s your July 4th marathon schedule:

X Play (3-10:30 a.m., G4)
American Ninja Warrior (6 a.m.-6 p.m., Esquire)
BBQ Pitmasters (6 a.m.-4 p.m., Destination America)
NCIS (6 a.m.-8 p.m., USA)
America the Story of Us (7 a.m.-7 p.m., History)
Dog the Bounty Hunter (7 a.m.-4 p.m., A&E)
Keeping Up with the Kardashians (7 a.m.-2 p.m., E!)
Star Trek: The Next Generation (8 a.m.-6 a.m. Saturday, BBC America)
The Twilight Zone (8 a.m.-8 p.m., Syfy)
The Game (8 a.m.-2:30 p.m., BET)
Dirty Jobs (9 a.m.-4 p.m., Animal Planet)
The Walking Dead (9 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday, AMC)
Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? (9 a.m.-4 p.m., Investigation Discovery)
The Real Housewives of New Jersey (9:35 a.m.-3:16 p.m., Bravo)
Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (10 a.m.-5 a.m. Sunday, WeTV)
Transformers Rescue Bots (11 a.m.-7:30 p.m., Hub)
Awkward (11:34 a.m.-6 p.m., MTV)
Little Women: LA (Noon-6 p.m., Lifetime)
Preachers of L.A. (Noon-8 p.m., Oxygen)
Cube (1-7 p.m., Chiller)
Fast N’ Loud (1 p.m.-3 a.m. Saturday, Discovery Channel)
Sex and the City (2 p.m.-midnight, E!)
Criminal Minds (4 p.m.-4 a.m. Saturday, A&E)
Mountain Monsters (4 p.m-3 a.m. Saturday, Destination America)
Oprah: Where Are They Now? (6 p.m.-2 a.m. Sunday, OWN)
Modern Family (8 p.m.-Midnight, USA) (Via)

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