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What’s On Tonight: Lawyers, Astronauts, Elephant Sex

By / 07.16.14
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Suits (USA, 9:00 p.m.) – WE GOTTA GET HARVEY AND MIKE BACK TOGETH-… Wait, what? They declare a ceasefire? And they’re standing next to each other in that promo picture up there? And they appear to be getting lectured about something by Quarles from Justified (Neal McDonough), who has a guest arc this season as a ruthless SEC investigator? Okay!

Extant (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) – Tonight Molly “uncovers details of her mysterious pregnancy.” This could also be a description of most episodes of Maury. Someone mash this up for me. I’m very busy.

ESPY Awards (ESPN, 9:00 p.m.) – Hosted by Drake. O/U on the number of pictures Drake will take with trophy-clutching winners: 50.

The Bridge (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – It was weird as nuts to see Kevin from The Office pop up as Matthew Lillard’s Rush-loving AA sponsor, right? Here ends my review of the season premiere of The Bridge.

Duck Dynasty (A&E, 10:00 p.m.) – Totally forgot this show existed until someone I know asked me what I thought of it, but the way they pronounced it made it sound like they said “What do you think of Doug Dynasty?” DOUG DYNASTY. What a fantastic hypothetical name.

The Soup (E!, 10:00 p.m.) – Tonight’s episode features Joel’s favorite clips of 2014 so far, as well as his top three clips of all time. Flaming doll or we riot.

Sex in the Wild: Elephants (PBS, 10:00 p.m.) – Until about five minutes ago I hadn’t put much thought into the mating habits of elephants. Now it is literally the only thing I can think about. Your tax dollars at work.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Emma Stone and Nathan Fielder on Letterman; Elijah Wood and Marcia Clark on Ferguson, followed by a performance by Kristeen Young featuring Dave Grohl and Pat Smear; Whoopi Goldberg and Stephen Moyer on Fallon; Regis Philbin and John Henson on Meyers; Jerry Seinfeld on Stewart; NYC mayor Bill de Blasio on Colbert; and Michael Strahan and Famke Janssen on Conan.

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