Dustin Diamond is so misunderstood, you guys. After a joint interview with Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Breckin Meyer over at Huffington Post last week in which Breckin Meyer absolutely trashed Dustin Diamond — hilariously calling him a “dick” and saying that he’s “full of sh*t” — the actor formerly known as Screech is speaking out. In a new interview with The Daily Beast, Diamond gives his side of the story, which basically amounts to him not understanding why everyone hates him because he is literally the coolest guy ever. (I mean, have you seen his website?) Currently Diamond is starring in Bayside! The Musical! because for someone who wants to leave behind Saved by the Bell he sure as hell can’t stop talking about it and being involved with it.
I’d highly recommend reading the entire article, but here are a few choice excerpts. You’re gonna want to make sure to wear protective gear for all the bullsh*t that’s about to be sprayed your way.
On Celebrity Fit Club:
During that rebellious time I did that Celebrity Fit Club, where I played the bad guy. That was all scripted. None of that was real.
Yeah. I had to gain weight to even be on the show. I had to keep it between me and producers. I couldn’t tell the other cast members about it. And, like, I’m not mean at all. I’m the most approachable, laid-back guy in the world. I like to laugh more than anything else. But I thought that being the bad guy on TV would show me in a believable light to convince casting directors to put me in Breaking Bad, [Ed. note: LOLOLOLOLOLOL] or Dexter, or Law & Order.
On his sex tape:
I put the thing together. I got a stunt wang. I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to really put myself out there. So I got a stunt person to come in. And I thought, what if this thing makes $3 million? That’s nothing to scoff at. But after that people looked at me dirty, like, “He does porn.” No, I don’t! I faked that one at a chance for millions. I’m an opportunist, really. Needless to say it did not make millions. But I had to take the shot. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t.
On his Saved by the Bell tell-all:
Yeah. It was written by a ghost writer. I talked to a guy a few times, so there were people up in arms, “Oh! He’s putting all this trash out.” But I was like, “I didn’t even write it!” It has my name on it, but it was written by a ghost writer. So the things like that, the Fit Club, the porn, and the book were kind of like the one, two, three of the bad-boy image. But I’m done with that.
On the unauthorized Lifetime movie based on his book (which he’s also executive producer of):
So long story short, I think when this movie comes out, it’s going to surprise people because it’s not salacious, it’s not dirty, it’s not negative. It’s embracing all the positive things that happened and clarifying certain things. I think it’s going to be pretty enjoyable. I think everyone’s going to like it, including the other cast members. [Ed. note: Uhhhh, doubtful.]
On the Breckin Meyer thing:
Breckin Meyer was the one who went more off the handle. A lot of people do that for ratings—I don’t know what his reason was for. But he even said, “I’ve never met Dustin.” So how can he say these things when he’s never met me? We’ve never shared a conversation, we’ve never met face to face. We’ve never been in the same room. That makes me judge someone, personally.
So in summary, Dustin Diamond isn’t really a jerk, he was “acting” on Celebrity Fit Club, that wasn’t really his dong, and he didn’t even write that mean stuff about Saved by the Bell. Whew! He’s just your garden variety liar and fraud, which is so much better than all of those other things. Let’s just unanimously vote him mayor of Awesometown now and get it over with.