Thanks to the mild success of Girl Meets World, there’s probably not a successful sitcom title from the late 80s or 90s that hasn’t been at least mumbled in a studio executive’s office during a conversation about milking dead cows. Yesterday’s news about a full-blown Full House reunion is all the proof that we’ll ever need of that theory, because Warner Bros. TV is currently working with John “Time to Pay Uncle Jesse” Stamos in bringing the Tanners and their extended family back to the small screen for the sake of answering the question that Jimmy Fallon basically already answered – Hey, what would it look like if the cast of Full House got together today?
Of course, as excited as people were about this reunion news, the deal is far from done. For starters, and perhaps most importantly, we don’t really have a clue as to which actors from the original cast would be signing on to reprise their roles. Will Bob Saget be returning as the Tanner family’s goofy and harmless patriarch? Will Uncle Joey be stuffing his hand up a beaver’s butt once more? Will Uncle Jesse be calling up the Rippers for another reunion show within a reunion show? Wait, no. The answer to that last question is yes, because Stamos is about to open his own Ft. Knox with this deal.
So what about the rest of the Tanners and their friends? Fortunately, I am a licensed odds maker (does Guam count?) and I have used my very scientific process to determine just how likely the returns of the show’s most important actors will be, and I even threw in some of the lesser characters, because if Steve Urkel doesn’t get a comeback out of this dumb idea, then we riot.
Off the board: John Stamos
The original report already included the fact that John Stamos basically owns the Full House franchise, so this is a huge money and power move on his part, because that yogurt commercial money just isn’t getting the job done. Stamos isn’t going to become an entertainment industry big-timer without the hundreds of millions of dollars that real TV A-listers bank off of nostalgic goons who can’t stop wondering what the hell happened to that dude with the mullet from the late 80s. Even if this show was just about Uncle Jesse playing terrible cover songs, it would be called Full House, because Stamos is trying to get paid, y’all. But if Stamos is going to do this right, he better at least deliver on more Cousin Stavros, because that was some Emmy Lifetime Achievement Award sh*t right there.
Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber – 2:5
DJ and Stephanie Tanner, as well as the obnoxious Kimmy Gibbler, are already “on board,” so it would either take a change of mind or a miracle from the network gods to stop them from making a comeback. Although, instead of Barber returning as Kimmy, they should have Rhonda Shear play Adult Kimmy like she did back in 1990’s “Those Better Not Be the Days.” Sure, the former Miss USA and host of the USA Network’s super-softcore platform Up All Night is 60 now, but Kimmy would have probably been addicted to hardcore drugs and alcohol by the time she hit her late 20s, so she could have realistically aged terribly.
Dave Coulier – 2:1
What if Coulier turned this project down and instead chose to pursue a passionate independent film project and really try to give dramatic acting a go so he can turn the heads of Hollywood casting directors and resurrect his career as one of the most dynamic leading men in movie history? Haha, CUT. IT. OUT. The day the guy who spent half the series with a puppet on his hand shuns a paycheck in favor of integrity is the day that a network says no to nostalgic fluff. Sure, the report claims that Coulier is involved “in some way,” but I’m pretty sure that way is holding out his hands and saying, “Money, please!”
Lori Laughlin – 3:1
I want so badly to believe that my beloved girlfriend in another life would wash her hands of Full House and continue to work on projects that allow her to grow as an actress. Realistically, though, you can’t have Uncle Jesse without Aunt Becky, because then you’d have to explain why they got divorced and who got custody of the twins, and by that point do you really want a series about a single 50-something bro hitting on his nieces’ friends and saying, “Have mercy!” as his proctologist’s assistant squirts lube on her gloved finger? Full House needs Aunt Becky now more than ever.
Bob Saget – 5:1
Like Coulier, Saget is “involved in some way,” and I’d like to believe that means that Danny Tanner actually died at some point after the series ended, and he’s only returning as a ghost. How did he die? Well, it’s Saget, and he’s one of the filthiest comics on the planet, so let’s all hope that it ends with, “The Aristocrats!”
The Beach Boys – 6:1
If this truly is a Stamos vanity project, it’s going to be as much a musical adventure as it is a Rated G comedy, so we can expect to see Jesse and the Rippers back in action with a number of bands and artists, including the Beach Boys, who shared a stage with the Tanners in Hawaii for one of the lamest sitcom moments ever imagined. I don’t know if the Beach Boys have it in them – or even if they’re all still alive – but if Stamos is willing to take his mad cash grab this far, then you can bet he’ll want us all to ask, “What about that time Stephanie Tanner stood in front of a mic and shouted, ‘BA BA BA BA BA BA’ on repeat?”
Tahj Mowry – 7:1
Fun fact that just surprised the hell out of me: Mowry not only stars on ABC Family’s cornball parenting comedy Baby Daddy, but that show has been on for five seasons, with a sixth on the way. If only Arrested Development could have been picked up by that network. So the guy who played Teddy might be a little busier than some of these other losers, but he still has to find time to come back and ask why Michelle is always too busy to take his calls now.
Jaleel White – 8:1
Steve Urkel only made one crossover visit to the Tanners, which defied odds since he lived in Chicago and the Tanners were in San Francisco, but if he found them once he can find them again. Hopefully this time he’s Stefan Urquelle, and he’s there to try to woo DJ out of her marriage, assuming that she’s not divorced, too, like her no-good Uncle Jesse.
Jurnee Smollett-Bell – 9:1
With True Blood all wrapped up, Bell should have enough time on her hands to return as Denise, AKA one of four black people to ever appear on this series. In fact, she’s probably going to be dating Uncle Jesse, because he was always the kind of pervert who would have waited a while and then pounced on Michelle’s friends once they grew up. Look, I’m sorry I’m stuck on this whole Uncle Jesse divorce idea, but I really hope Aunt Becky says, “No thanks.”
Scott Weinger – 10:1
If DJ is back, then fans of the show are going to want to believe that she married the hunky Steve, who had a smile that could stop traffic and enough charm to make a grown man write about his car-stopping smile. The thing that always bothered me about Steve, though, was that he reminded me of Kirk Cameron, and that was really creepy.
Marla Sokoloff – 12:1
Remember when Sokoloff was a big up-and-coming actress and then she showed up on Friends as Joey’s sister and delivered possibly the worst New York accent in the history of acting and she vanished? Well, she’s on the ABC Family series The Fosters now, and I only know that because the commercials for that show make me laugh almost as much as the ones for Switched at Birth, which I assume is the funniest comedy on TV. Anyway, Gia’s a lot older now, so maybe she returns to try to get Stephanie to try meth. It would be quite the meta moment.
David Lipper – 15:1
Jason Marsden – 15:1
If DJ isn’t married to Steve when this reunion happens, then maybe she can be single and moving back to San Francisco for the first time since she left for college. When word gets out that DJ’s back and she’s single, her old lover’s triangle will be reignited when Viper and Nelson find their love for her and rivalry between each other renewed. Will Viper’s brooding bad boy mystique turn DJ’s knees into jelly again? Or will Nelson win her heart once more by hiring Frankie Valli to sing to her? Because, you know, teenage girls in the early 90s LOVED Frankie Valli.
Scott Baio – 17:1
Hey, if Uncle Jesse’s getting the band back together, then it’s not going to be complete without his old pal Pete Bianco. Nobody rocks a house party like Jesse and the Rippers featuring Pete Bianco, and maybe in this new version they’ll be rock gods together. After all, if The Who and the Stones can get back together, then Jesse and Pete can play cover songs once more. Hopefully, they’ll show a little more respect to the sleeping people in the house that I assume they all still live in together.
Gail Edwards – 20:1
Edwards only acted one more time after she was done playing Vicky on Full House, so this might be a pretty hard get for Stamos and Co. This would play well into my idea for Danny Tanner being a ghost, though, as Vicky was the second love of his life, but if Saget decides to join the cast, maybe they could borrow from 30 Rock and have Vicky “working” as a reporter in North Korea. Except this time, Danny takes matters into his own hands, and he single-handedly infiltrates and topples the regime to save the love of his life. Then, Jesse and the Rippers will play a huge unity concert with Psy.
Doris Roberts – 25:1
If Danny is only on board in a limited capacity, they could just as easily bring “Granny Tanny” back for the sake of having someone from the family still in the girls’ lives. It might make it even more convenient if Uncle Joey ended up marrying Danny’s mom. Hell, they could use that as an excuse for why Danny isn’t around anymore. Or maybe Joey killed Danny because he was interfering in the love between a man with a puppet and an elderly woman, who is definitely a great-grandmother by now. It might seem dark, but this should be about the original Modern Family doing whatever it takes to get its title back.
Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit/Kevin and Daniel Renteria – 50:1
None of the four child actors who played Uncle Jesse’s twins who looked nothing like their Greek father went on to act again, so the roles of Nicky and Alex Ketchuppalace could probably be filled by any 20-something twin actors, so long as they have mullets and wear leather vests over t-shirts. Start hitting up the acting conventions now, Stamos, because these will not be easy roles to fill.
Kirk Cameron – 100:1
Cousin Steve probably won’t make a return because Full House takes place in San Francisco, and that’s a den of sin.
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen – 1,000,000,000:1
Let’s forget that the Olsen Twins have basically retired from making terrible movies and TV shows for a second. Think about how much money they’re worth from their acting careers, fashion empires and even the older wealthy dudes they’ve been dating (out of love, of course). Do you honestly think that one of them would make her return to TV now for the sake of a silly reunion? If anything, they should agree to do one episode, in which they keep taking turns to the point that it’s hilariously annoying, and the episode ends with them buying their family’s townhouse and burning it to the ground, because they f*cking can. And they’ll say something like, “Need a light? You got it, dude.” The end. Series wrap. Forever.