Skankenstein Lives! Ten Things We Learned From Last Night’s Senseless Episode Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’

When you got a character like Jax in Sons of Anarchy who is as unhinged as he is right now, it creates a kind of shortcut for the writers. Jax Teller is so consumed by revenge that he isn’t making any damn sense anymore, so the writers do not have to abide by the laws of logic and consistency. They can do whatever the hell they want, because Jax gives no more f**ks. It certainly makes for a lot of bloodshed, but it’s not doing much for the final season of Sons of Anarchy, so far.

Let’s take a look at what we learned from “Playing with Monsters,” last night’s episode of Sons of Anarchy.

1. It’s gonna be a black day — Jax probably shouldn’t have made the 12 Inches a Slave porn parody joke, because August Marks isn’t in the goddamn mood for jokes. The episode opens with August telling Jax to watch his ass or August will have to burn a bitch alive. Jax is unhinged this season, and does not take kindly to threats. So what does he do? Well, it’s kind of confusing, in that nothing really makes logical sense this season (because, again, Jax is clearly not thinking logically), but essentially Jax is using the Niners to overthrow their leader, August Marks. To do so, Jax has to kill off a Niner splinter group, which brings Nero, the Byz Lats, and the Mayans into the fray. Jax is also using the Grim Bastards to sh*t-disturb the partnership between Lin and August Marks, because why not? Theo Huxtable needed something to do.

The details really aren’t that important (again, because they make no logical sense). You really only need to know that there’s a gang war, and that all the ethnicities are all killing each other now, and Jax is just sitting back and watching the world burn. Meanwhile, Nero — who went full Scarface last night — has a taste for killing again, and it taste good.

2. Juice is a dead man — How long are we going to have to watch this guy whip in the wind? He’s a dead man walking, and at this point, he’s just taking up space and polluting our television screens with his terrible attempt at a beard. Give it up, Juice. Listen to Chibs. Stick the gun in your mouth, so Sutter can excise Juice’s ridiculous diversionary side plot. Seriously, though, that is the saddest excuse for a depression beard I’ve ever seen.

3. Chibs Is Thinking With His Dick — Sheriff Jarry (Annabeth Gish) sure looked nice in her civilian clothes, didn’t she, Chibs? You got the hots for her, don’t you, Chibs? YOU’RE GETTING SET UP, DUMBASS. I have a feeling that Sheriff Jarry may end up being the smartest sheriff Charming has seen yet, and that she’s playing Chibs and maybe even Unser, and that she’s going to take her bribe money, she’s going to bang Chibs, and then she’s going to shove a boot up SAMCRO’s ass. This right here is Chibs’ “I’m so f**ked” face.

4. “It all happened the way it was supposed to happen — I don’t remember anyone confiding in the f***ing birds in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Is that where we are now? Is Sutter using the birds as a device to allow Gemma to try and rationalize the death of Tara AND THIS ENTIRE GANG WAR? Gemma sticks a fork in the back of Tara’s head, and at least 100 people are going to end up dead. Gemma best watch herself, though. Those birds are gonna talk! They’re going to rat her out! On the other hand, it’s better than confiding in Unser. That man has never held on to a secret longer than an episode.

5. Brooke Ain’t Legal — I believe we know from last season that Brooke is 15 years old, which means that Ratboy is banging a minor, which I’m sure tops the list of the crimes committed by SAMCRO. The actress who plays Brooke, Hayley McFarland, is 23, however, so you pervs are off the hook. Where is this subplot going, anyway? Is it designed simply to give Ratboy something to do this season? Fair enough.

6. Never trust a woman with pineapple upside-down cake — Dude, Ken. Or whatever your name is. When a woman you have punched comes to your house and offers you pineapple upside-down cake as a way to apologize for you beating her, YOU DO NOT LET HER IN. Has the world gone mad? WHO IS THAT DUMB? That said, Ken deserved every kick in the face that Jax gave him.

7.Hung Jury — When Jax eventually kills Jury because Jury tries to kill Jax because Jury knows that Jax took out Gibby, who was probably Jury’s illegitimate son, I hope that Jax uses a rope, because that Hung Jury pun is just sitting in Sutter’s hip pocket. “Take care, Bobb, and give my best to Jax,” was probably code for Jury and Indian Hills going on a rampage. My bet is that he targets the clubhouse and ends up killing someone like Chucky. Or Abel. God, please let it be Abel.

8. Abel (Ryder and Evan Lando) is vying with Harrison on Dexter (Jadon Wells) as the generation’s worst child actor. I feel the the director’s cues to the kid are, “OK. For this next scene, make your face GO COMPLETELY BLANK … and action!” I’d like to see Abel on a treadmill so we can properly compare him with Harrison. Also, maybe keep the kid out of the whore house, BY THE WAY. On the other hand, maybe Abel wanted to see the Jenna Jameson cameo, too.

9. Slow It Down, Bro — My favorite scene of the entire episode last night was when Bobby walked up to Jax and just said, “You want to slow it down. It’s OK if you want to slow it down,” and Jax was like, “No bro. I’m OK,” and Bobby just kind of shrugged his shoulders and thought, “Well all right, I guess. Let’s get back out there and continue indiscriminately killing people!”

It’s the only time that anyone in SAMCRO has thought for a second to put the brakes on, and Jax/Kurt Sutter just shakes his head, like, “It’s all good, man. This will all make sense in post” (no, it won’t).

Did anyone else get a sense, after Bobby told him it was OK to slow it down, that Jax’s face said something like, “Slow it down? ARE YOU UNDERMINING MY AUTHORITY? You have just been added to my sh*t list.”

10. Kurt Sutter is a Goddamn Tease — WTF, dude? YOU GOT OUR HOPES UP AND DASHED THEM. Don’t be a troll, bro.

×