Let’s say you’re Jeff Winger (I know you’ve dreamed about it) and both Annie and Britta come to your door one day and say they want to start dating, but only if you ignore the other. Who would you pick? That’s an impossibly difficult love triangle — more so than, say, Renee Zellweger choosing between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, who’s WAY superior, mostly because he’s not Hugh Grant — which luckily you don’t have to worry about because those are fictional people. Beside, Alison Brie ain’t knocking at your door any time soon. Or at least not mine.
The Hunger Games has a love triangle, too, although it’s not because author Suzanne Collins really wanted one (it’s played up in the movies much more than in the books). It’s pretty clear to viewers that Katniss should be with Peeta, because Gale is super boring. Nice guy, good looking, kind of a douchebag. So, that’s been solved. You’re welcome, Jennifer Lawrence. Here are 10 more love triangles with obvious answers (the winner’s name is in bold).
1. Sookie/Bill/Eric (True Blood)
The winner: For seven seasons, True Blood tried to convince viewers that Sookie was torn between Bill and Eric, even when she was with Alcide. It was one of the show’s many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, etc. problems. But really, it wasn’t that difficult: the sappy vampire who’s still hung up on his wife who died hundreds of years ago, or THIS viking god? Case closed. Eric it is.
2. Andie/Blane/Duckie (Pretty In Pink)
The winner: Honestly, neither choice is particularly appealing. Blane’s a rich tool, but fan favorite Duckie, he either ended up doing one of two things: making weird videos for Funny or Die, or OD’ing on heroin in an artist’s loft in Brooklyn. Could go either way. Still, Duckie‘s the winner because his name’s not BLANE.
3. Buffy/Angel/Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
The winner: I was #TeamAngel for years. Then I watched an episode of Bones, and rethought all my life choices. It’s gotta be Spike here. He’s got that sweet jacket, he can carry a tune (unlike Angel), and William the Bloody is a cooler name than Angelus.
Plus, he didn’t give birth to the worst character in the Whedonverse.
4. Kate — Jack vs. Sawyer (Lost)
The winner: Did anyone like the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle, except for maybe the weirdos who make YouTube montage videos? I certainly didn’t, because it was obvious from the get-go that Sawyer was the superior hunk on Lost Island (and a better lover). He eventually moved on with Juliet, while Jack, eh, who cares? Jack was the Harry Potter or Piper Chapman of Lost — the ostensible hero surrounded by far more interesting characters. Also, one time Bai Ling gave him a tattoo, so he deserves NO ONE. Sawyer gets Kate, Juliet, Hurley, whoever he wants.
5. Rory/Dean/Jess (Gilmore Girls)
The winner: Having seen Gilmore Girls three times now (once by myself, twice more in the background while my wife was watching), one thing’s become abundantly clear: Logan is Rory’s best boyfriend. But he was never part of a love triangle, really, unless you count Naked Guy (never count Naked Guy). So, it goes back to Rory choosing between Dean, the dreamy-haired nice guy first boyfriend who never leaves the town you both went to high school in, or Jess, who’s the kind of rebel women think they can fix. Jess is kind of a Allen Ginsberg-quoting tool, but at least he never TOOK RORY’S VIRGINITY WHILE HE WAS MARRIED.
6. Bella — Edward vs. Jacob (Twilight)
The winner: Anna Kendrick, obviously. Everyone else deserves no one.
7. Veronica — Piz vs. Logan (Veronica Mars)
The winner: Piz was a nice enough guy, but that’s kind of the problem — he was a wishy-washy, awkward, Pitchfork-interning college radio host. Piz wasn’t so much a character as a series of indie movie quirks. Unlike, Logan, Veronica Mars‘ answer to Jess from Gilmore Girls.
8. Satan — Saddam Hussein vs. Chris (South Park)
The winner: It’s not often I get to say this, but: #TeamSaddam.
