Last night was the fall finale of Scandal. We haven’t checked in with the meat in ABC’s Thursday Night Sex And Murder panini since the season premiere, so let’s take a couple minutes and see how everyone’s doing, shall we?
- After half a season of doing a metaphorical dance while trying to decide between her murderous spy boyfriend and her adulterous Commander-in-Chief other boyfriend (the latter of whom arrested and detained the former for killing his son, only to find out that the murder had actually been committed by their shared paramour’s evil father, because Scandal), Olivia ended this season by doing a very literal dance to proclaim her independence, but was immediately kidnapped by goons working for the Vice President, who staged a terrorist attack — with the help of Republican Party Chairman Lindsay Bluth, one of his two secret lovers, with the other being the First Lady — in the hopes it would goad the President into taking military action in West Angola, and resorted to more drastic measures when that plan didn’t work. Fun fact: Scandal can only be described in horrible run-on sentences.
- In addition to the terrorist attack and kidnapping, the VP and Lindsay Bluth also set up Cyrus — the President’s recently widowed Chief of Staff, whose husband was murdered in the street like a dog by Olivia’s spy boyfriend, which is conveniently never mentioned even though it seems like a p. big deal — with a gay prostitute, and used the covertly acquired information and pictures to try to bring him down, but their plan was foiled when Cyrus agreed to a sham marriage with the prostitute. “JOKE’S ON YOU, MR. VICE PRESIDENT. I MARRIED THE DUPLICITOUS HOOKER YOU SENT TO RUIN ME.” The Golden Age of Television, indeed.
- Speaking of salacious sex scandals involving the White House’s inner circle, the President’s daughter showed up for one episode and got Eiffel Towered on camera at a rave.
- Huck played a bunch of video games with his estranged son to show him how normal and fun he is now and then ended up strangling a man in front of him whoooooops.
- Eli Pope continues to be a very evil man who travels exclusively by chauffeured car, and who sometimes shows up at his daughter’s apartment with wine and Stevie Wonder records and an unloaded gun even though the entire force of the United States government is searching for him, because idk I guess no one thought to put an armed guard at her door after he killed dozens of military personnel and threatened to destroy her during a set-up gone awry. It’s important to remember that most people on this show are bad at their jobs.
- My beloved First Lady Mellie Grant cleaned herself up and went back to being a devious fire-breathing whirlwind after months of lounging around in unwashed sweats and drinking vodka out of a tall juice glass. She remains the best character on the show. I hope she ends up getting a spinoff where she does nothing but scheme and cut her adversaries down like an industrial reaper.
- On-again, off-again murderspy lovers Charlie and Quinn beat the ever-loving snot out of each other while “Endless Love” played in the background, which was legit perfect and hilarious. 10/10, would watch again.
So, yes. Scandal is still insane. See you in the spring.
