The art of flirting is a tricky one. The line between seduction and sexual predator can be finer than those sweet little hairs on your — I did it, I crossed it, my bad, that’s on me. But the world of television has given us some of the greatest flirts of all time, and perhaps from them we can glean the secrets of proper flirtation, or at least how to get hot and weird. To get in the mood for Just Eat‘s #13SpicyNights of live video shows demonstrating just how to make Valentine’s Day great, we’ve ranked them from most to least doable in real life. So let’s take a moment to learn from the best — and not so best.
River Song, Doctor Who
With her red lips, voluminous hair and “hello sweetie” River Song is one of the greatest flirts in the history of the future. In fact, River is arguably the second flirtiest character on Doctor Who. As for the flirtiest character, there can be only one. While I can’t legally recommend lipstick that renders someone unconscious, I can fully recommend travelling through time and defacing natural wonders. It’s so hot.
Captain Jack Harkness, Doctor Who
No man, woman or genderless space creation can reject the advances of Captain Jack Harkness. His transcendent sexual magnetism is simply too powerful. Lessons to be learned? Ceaseless confidence, a way with compliments and an inability to die.
Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man
When seeking skill in any area, you should start with the experts. And Leon Phelps, host of SNL‘s The Ladies Man, is just that. Could you turn down the offer of a fish sandwich? You either answered no or you’re lying. So, try offering the object of your affections a fish sandwich. Perhaps you might get your wang mouthified.
Ilana, Broad City
Ilana is a proud, confident woman who puts away more weed than Roundup. She has sweet Lincoln on retainer anytime she wants, but shares the love freely. The lesson from Ilana? Don’t work hard. Don’t do your best. DO love your best friend and the full spectrum of penis. Your methods may turn off some undeservings, but if you have the confidence of Ilana, you don’t want them anyway.
Francesca Fiore, Kids in the Hall
Step 1: Be Italian. Step 2: Look good. Like Scott Thompson’s best looking female character good. Step 3: Make them beg for it. That’s power.
Tina Belcher, Bob’s Burgers
Tina is a woman who knows what she wants. And mostly she wants butts. Be like Tina. Be the butts you want to see in the world. And if the prancing love of your life can’t see it, someone else will.
Jean Ralphio, Parks and Recreation
Jean Ralphio possesses the most integral quality to all of flirting: endless delusion. Trust that you are the best, the hottest, the most valuable player in the game of love, and all manner of love and lust interest will come a-runnin’.
Vampire Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I don’t know, there’s just something about your own semi-drugged out, kinda-gay doppleganger that can get it. Technically, the best method to obtain Vampire Willow’s skills is to, you know, become a vampire. But if you can swing that, it seems like the rest just falls into place. Warning: Using this technique could lead to dusting. Not the sexy maid kind. The dead vampire kind.
The Todd, Scrubs
OK, really, Todd falls into the predator side of things. On TV, you can have the affable sex offender. In real life, that’s kind of not a thing (well, for the most part — people still really liked Bill Cosby for a long damn time). But there are still lessons to be learned from The Todd. Like accessorizing, and a level of confidence that veers far, far into mental instability. In real life, you might get arrested for Todd-ering. However, if you’re rich and successful, those guys tend to get away with more. He’s really just a more upfront Christian Grey.
Rafi, The League
Hear me out on this one. Rafi has more sex than anyone else on this show, and he is disgusting. So he must be doing something right. I don’t recommend doing most of what he does — you will get hemorrhoids and crotch rot. But face it, we’re all a little disgusting. Embrace your inner Rafi and maybe you’ll find your very own Brian who loves you as you are. Surgeon General’s Warning: Rafi emulation can lead to jailtime, disease, terrorizing your loved ones, eternal damnation and a lifelong best friendship/mortal enemy-ship with Dirty Randy.
In the #13SpicyNights leading up to Valentine’s Day, keep these flirts and their success and failure at the forefront of your mind. After all, a bad flirt is funny, but a good flirt is funny and gets you a little action.