I have to admit something: I never watched The X-Files as a youth. I was only 10 when the series premiered, and I was too enthralled with Power Rangers and sh*t like that. Now that every episode of The X-Files is streaming on Netflix, I thought a fresh perspective on the series — more than 20 years later — might be a good idea. So, here’s my journey through the first viewing of the first episode of The X-Files.
13. Never jog through the woods alone.
It’s a lesson that should have been gleaned from decades of slasher/horror films, yet some people just don’t learn. The opening sequence of the hit TV series shows a young woman seemingly running for her life through a forest until she happens across a section of light and a being looming above her. The next thing we see is her corpse. When she’s examined, two small pink marks are found on her lower back. As the detectives’ dialogue points out, this isn’t the first time this has happened. Intrigue has been formed.
12. A man standing in the corner of your job interview, smoking, can be… intimidating.
Especially when that man says nothing at all. Scully looks perturbed by his presence, and I would be, too. But this is the FBI, and they don’t call them government spooks for nothing. Still, can’t he at least introduce himself? This man seemingly represents the hidden knowledge that Scully and Mulder are after.
11. A jaded FBI agent will let his scorn be known immediately.
I know there’s only one hour, less with commercials, to convey certain sensibilities, but Mulder lets his vitriol out almost immediately as soon as we meet him. How about a little pillow talk first, Mulder?
10. A sense of foreboding brings along sh*t-inducing turbulence.
The aliens must really not want Mulder and Scully in Oregon because they shake the bejeezus out of their plane upon their arrival. This is the first in a series of foreboding tactics that some forces outside the realm of comprehension use to “shake up” the FBI agents.
9. Always carry a can of spray paint in your rental vehicle.
When did Mulder get that can of spray paint? Did he pack it with his stuff? Pick one up when they landed? Does he always have a can with him? I have so many questions about this.
8. When exhuming a body, it’s best to leave the jokes at home.
“It’s probably a safe bet Ray Somes never made the varsity basketball team.”
Poor taste, Mulder. Poor taste.
7. Ape corpses with metallic nose implants are terrifying.
An ape-like corpse — or is it an alien corpse? — is terrifying in itself, but add a mysterious implant into said corpse that comes from an unknown origin, and thy pantaloons have filled with excrement. This is obviously a trope in the series that we’ll revisit later, as the Smoking Man seems to know something about it, but what?
6. Nose bleeds + Duel puncture wounds = Alien activity.
Note to self: Go to the doctor immediately; I may have been abducted.
5. Time can’t just disappear… but it does.
At exactly 9:03, Scully and Mulder lose about nine minutes in fiction time, but they aren’t abducted. WTF in the holy hell is going on here?
4. Scully is hot.
It never occurred to me in watching more than a half-hour of this series so far that Agent Scully was hot, but a scene where she strips to her underwear is certainly not a scene that I’d skip over. Sure, it merely shows her in skivvies, but those 1993 panties are titillating!
3. Never trust anyone.
A detective with a shotgun telling you to vacate the premises — when you’re an FBI agent — seems a lil’ shady to me. It’s like one of the themes in this show is that everyone, from aliens to locals, do not want you near the truth. Scully and Mulder have an uphill battle here if this is any indication.
2. Young men in comatose states can sometimes be conduits for alien abductions.
Note to self: Young men in comatose states with dirt on their feet are probably abducting young women and feeding them to aliens in the middle of the night. Don’t trust young men in supposed comas.
1. This show is good.
OK, I’m hooked. I have to watch more of this show now. Dammit, as if my queue isn’t filled up enough, now I have a bajillion episodes of The X-Files to add to my list.
