We all know that throughout five seasons of AMC’s Breaking Bad (which inexplicably ended two years ago, today), Jesse was underestimated by pretty much everyone. But we should have known from the beginning that he was one of the smartest players in the meth scene because his words of wisdom were simply inspiring.
Here are nine of Albuquerque’s resident philosopher’s best moments of scholarship.
On Keeping Promises
“We flipped a coin, okay? You and me. You and me! Coin flip is sacred! Your job is waiting for you in that basement, as per the coin!”
Coin flip is as sacred as a pinky promise. Jesse should have known to get out early when it looked like Walter was going to go back on his coin flip. Although, his character was only supposed to be on for the first season and then die. Good thing Vince Gilligan spared him, otherwise we wouldn’t have this collection of inspirational quotes. Also his name would have been Marion Dupree…
On Responsibility
“What good is being an outlaw when you have responsibilities?”
Preach, Pinkman. Do you think Jesse James had responsibilities? His responsibilities were not getting caught or killed. That totally worked out and he died peacefully at the ripe old age of 80, right? Isn’t Saul supposed to take care of all the responsible stuff, anyway?
On Taking Charge
“Pistol whip those bitches and show ’em who’s boss?”
Not only is he smart, Jesse is straight up gangster. He knows that in order to get what you want in life, sometimes you have to assert yourself. Even though Mike doesn’t agree with his methods, eventually he sees that Jesse is a smart, capable kid. It’s too bad Walter completely messed everything up for him.
On Consumer Quality
““Did you know that there’s an acceptable level of rat turds that can go into candy bars? It’s the government, jack. Even government doesn’t care that much about quality. You know what is okay to put in hot dogs? Huh? Pig lips and a**holes. But I say, hey, have at it b*tches ’cause I love hot dogs.”
Sure, “Fly” was a pretty useless episode done mostly to save on production costs, but what’s a little insect in your meth every once in a while? I’d rather have a fly in my drug stash than whatever’s in a hot dog. At least bugs have protein.
On Having Home Pride
“Yo, yo, yo! 1-4-8-3 to the 3 to the 6 to the 9. representin’ the ABQ. What up, Biatch? Leave at the tone.”
It’s important to shout your love of your hometown in any way, shape or form, which includes your voicemail message. Doesn’t everyone shout the abbreviations of the nearest airport to them at any applicable time? Say what you want about Jesse, but his voicemail was certainly memorable.
On Personal Freedom
“This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed…b*tch.”
“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.” Learn the Fourth Amendment…b*tch.
On Self-Confidence
“I’m a blowfish! Blowfish! Yeah blowfishin’ this up!”
No one messes with the blowfish. Except Walt, who viciously manipulates Jesse over the course of five seasons and ruins his entire life, causing him to be a meth slave to a bunch of Neo Nazis and ultimately causing the deaths of the two women he ever loved. Come to think of it, a lot of people love to eat blowfish…
On Doing Things More Than Once
“You can’t admit, just for once, that I’m right. Come on. That O’Keeffe lady kept trying over and over until that stupid door was perfect.”
Come on, Jane. You just don’t understand art like Jesse does. And Georgia O’Keeffe didn’t know what she was doing. Also, like everything Vince Gilligan does, this whole scene is pretty metaphorical. Because isn’t Jesse just trying over and over until that stupid meth is perfect? Jesse’s deep.
On Enjoying the Little Victories
“Yeah b*tch, magnets!”
Don’t ever say Jesse didn’t end up becoming a science nerd in the end.
