The following are conversations that probably, almost definitely took place at one point or another in the writer’s room for season two of Empire.
“So, at this big Free Lucious concert in the first episode… we want Cookie to make a dramatic entrance, right?”
“Obviously.”
“Helicopter?”
“More dramatic.”
“Hanging from a helicopter in a cage?”
“Closer…”
“… in… a… uh, gorilla costume?”
“Bingo.”
**********
“I had an idea.”
“Hit me.”
“Marisa Tomei as a lesbian billionaire.”
“Love it.”
“Who buys a stake in Empire to thwart a hostile takeover and keep Lucious in charge even though he’s fighting charges for a murder that he definitely committed.”
“Perfect.”
“And her name is Mimi…”
“I can’t even wait.”
“WHITEMAN.”
“I could kiss you right now.”
**********
“Chris Rock’s character…”
“The notorious drug dealer who sends roses to people he intends to kill and who ends up in the same prison as Lucious because Cookie testified against him?”
“Yup.”
“What about him?”
“… Cannibal?”
“Write it.”
**********
“Okay, so about Lucious’ murder charge. We gotta get him out of prison at some point. He’s a suspected murderer with assets at his disposal. A judge might deny him bail.”
“Actually, I have a few thoughts.”
“Shoot.”
“First of all, we need lawyers.”
“Agreed.”
“I’m thinking an unscrupulous Republican district attorney on one side and Bubbles from The Wire in a series of purple and magenta suits on the other.”
“With you so far.”
“And at the bail hearing, Bubbles shows up late…”
“How late?”
“Just in time. And he’s got an envelope.”
“Ooo, what’s in the envelope?”
“Pictures of the judge doing freaky sex stuff. Boom. Lucious is out on bail.”
“Okay, but one question: This unscrupulous Republican district attorney… busty lady?”
“Oh, very.”
“Perfect. Let’s get this on paper.”
**********
“Hey, remember in season one when Anika poisoned Courtney Love’s character and ruined her career by making everyone think she was a no-good washed-up junkie even though she had been working so hard to get sober and turn her life around?”
“Sure.”
“We… we ever gonna make her face consequences for that?”
[blank stare]
“Yeah, never mind.”
**********
“Okay, I figured out how to get Andre back into Empire.”
“Lemme stop you right there. Are you gonna say, ‘We have him and his wife drive out to the woods to dig up Vernon’s body to prove there’s no witness against Lucious, but they can’t find him so they spend all night digging holes, and eventually Lucious and Bubbles show up because they had been tracking Andre, and Bubbles has a machine that locates corpses underground like that’s a normal thing to have, and then they find the body, and Lucious hugs Andre and thanks him for secretly murdering Vernon, and then they all extremely risk getting caught with a decomposing corpse so they can put it in the passenger seat of the unscrupulous busty prosecutor’s car instead of leaving it in a ditch and calling in an anonymous tip or something’?”
“Uh, yes. Wow.”
“Dude, I had the exact same dream.”
