'Friends' Alternate Theory Is Not Nice To Ross

In August, the Internet went a little nutty when a dark alternate Friends theory surfaced. The theory painted the beloved Phoebe Buffay as (according to Monica, Ross, Joey, Rachel, and ~~Chanandler Bong~~ Chandler Bing) “the crazy lady who always stares at us.” The revised story further held that Phoebe imagined the entirety of the series in her meth-addled mind, and she was really a homeless person who slept by the opening-credits fountain. The very thought of this fan favorite falling on hard times was heartbreaking.

Not too long after this warped theory surfaced, writer D.F. Lovett conjured up a different theory, which is going belatedly viral. Media outlets are saying the new take is incredibly sad, but that it makes sense in a mind-blowing way. The new theory paints Ross in a negative light, which means it does more than make fun of him for visiting a pediatrician and playing with dinosaurs.

Highlights of the theory include the claim that Ross is a deadbeat dad because his son, Ben, disappears in season eight, never to be seen again:

“Sure, he mentions Ben in these last two and a half seasons, but does he have any role in Ben’s life? When he references Ben, is he referencing something that once was, a child he no longer sees or knows? Think about everything we know about Ross. He’s very jealous. He’s possessive. He’s arguably emotionally abusive. He believes in the friend zone … and, as the seasons unfold, narrowing down to the ending where he and Rachel end up ostensibly happy every after, he seems to be coming completely unhinged.”

Is it fair to paint Ross as “completely unhinged?” All of the principal characters were batty in their own ways. Monica was obsessed with cleanliness, Chandler was neurotic about commitment, Rachel was narcissistic, Phoebe kept “pet” rats in her cupboard, and Joey didn’t share food. Plus, Joey kept his favorite book in the freezer! But perhaps Ross was the most frenetic.

Next up, Lovett asserts that Ross reached peak “insanity” after a blowout with his (first) ex-wife, Carol, who also disappeared from sight:

“Could she no longer handle his nice-guy syndrome and homophobic snickering? Did she decide to take full custody of her son? Did Ross even fight her for Ben, or just let him go, shifting his focus to the new baby he had with the woman of his obsession? He couldn’t even handle his daughter having a male caregiver.”

Well, this paragraph is fair. Ross outwardly embraced Carol’s sexuality like a nice dude, but he continued to make snide little remarks about Carol’s new partner, Susan. Would this cause Carol to remove Ben from the original shared custody agreement? Perhaps, but it sounds more like producers simply wanted Ross’ family out of the picture.

The Internet will likely embrace this unflattering theory because Ross is almost universally disliked. If one can find a handful of people on Twitter saying the same thing (within a week of each other), it must be true. People still do not like Ross Geller:

https://twitter.com/MissPetrai/status/652679682500898816

https://twitter.com/Carmen_atcha/status/655273706802028544

https://twitter.com/LittleMissLow/status/654162340460363776

https://twitter.com/BERNADlNE/status/652716813499805696