A Eulogy For [Insert Major ‘Game Of Thrones’ Spoiler Here]

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04.14.14 13 Comments


[makes way to front of church carrying boombox and 20-year-old cassingle of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men, clears throat, presses play]

My mother, like many mothers, told me when I was younger that if you can’t say anything nice about someone, you shouldn’t say anything at all. This isn’t always easy. Lord knows Joffrey Baratheon, the recently deceased king, who we are all here to pay our final respects to this afternoon, made it especially hard sometimes. You know, because he was a blood-thirsty sociopath who maimed and humiliated people for pleasure. I mean, if you think about it, all of us in this room — each and every one of us — are substantially better off now that his ice cold black heart mercifully stopped beating. Why, he probably would have killed me just for playing this song. I bet that little sh*thead hated Boyz II Men. He would. HE WOULD. What kind of morally bankrupt monster hates Boyz II Men? That asshole in the coffin over there, that’s who. Probably. Ungrateful little tin-eared sack of sh-…

I’m sorry. It appears I have gotten off-track a bit. Let me start over.

[rewinds cassingle of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men, clears throat, presses play]

I believe it was the legendary Greek philosopher Socrates who said “Be of good cheer about death, and know this of a truth, that no evil can happen to a good man, either in life or after death,” which should give us all solace today as we lay Joffrey to rest. Not that Joffrey was a “good man.” It’s just … what chance did he have, really? He was the product of an incestuous relationship between a cold-blooded warrior uncle/father and an even colder-blooded, manipulative, power-mad mother/aunt who would stop at nothing to help him acquire all the power she craved and neither of them had any rightful claim to. The only real difference between him and the Roman Emperor Nero was that he didn’t burn huge swaths of his kingdom to the ground while he watched on from his palace playing the lute. Although he did die younger than Nero, so maybe he would have done that too, eventually. You know what? He definitely would have. He would have watched the flames while playing the lute and laughing as his subjects screamed. Christ, what a piece of human garbage. I’m glad he’s dea-…

[rewinds cassingle of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men again, clears throat, presses play]

You know, maybe if he didn’t have that face. Maybe that would have helped. Maybe if he didn’t have that stupid, punchable, pouty little weasel face that he was always crunching into a self-satisfied smirk, like “Oooo, I’m the King. Look at me. Oooo. I have a sword. Lah dee dah dee doo,” as though everyone in the room wouldn’t gladly rip his limbs off and pummel it with them if they thought for a fraction of an instant that they could get away with it. Hell, I kind of want to do it now. HE COULDN’T EVEN STOP ME. COULD YOU, YOU DEAD LITTLE JERK? NO, YOU COULDN’T. WHERE’S YOUR CROSSBOW NOW? HUH? ANSWER ME. OH, WAIT, YOU CAN’T, BECAUSE YOU DIED LIKE A DOG IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR OWN WEDDI…

[rewinds cassingle of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men, clears throat, presses play]

I … he’s just … I mean … If you really think about it…

Man, f*ck that guy, right?

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Brian Grubb is the Editor-at-Large of Uproxx, focusing mostly on television, heists, and big silly movies about things exploding.

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