When all is said and done, the list of television’s greatest douchebags is going to be a long one. From Eddie Haskell to Buddy Lembeck and Uncle Jesse to Dennis Reynolds, there has been no shortage of unbearable yet oddly charming A-holes on the small screen, but tonight’s return of The League on FXX brings back at least seven of the biggest ‘bags on TV in Pete, Kevin, Ruxin, Jenny, Taco, Rafi and especially Dr. Andre Nowzick. I’d include Baby Jeffrey on that list, too, but he’s more of a brat than he is a douchebag. Hopefully The League will stick around long enough for us to find out how unbearable Ruxin’s son will become when he grows up.
As for Andre, though, very few characters manage to blend the overwhelming bagginess of douche with an existence so pathetic that we’d almost feel terrible for him, if he wasn’t such a colossal goober of a human. In fact, as I’ve previously written, the king of this bizarre hybrid of TV character that is too pathetic for us to actually sympathize with was Stevie Janowski from Eastbound & Down, played sublimely by Steve Little. Does Paul Scheer’s Andre exist on that elite level of pathetic fictional characters with Stevie and Samuel “Screech” Powers? Maybe not yet, but he’s definitely on his way.
If Season 5 of The League was any sort of indicator, life is just going to keep getting worse for poor, poor Andre, who has stood by helplessly while his friends have all had sex with his sister and filmed pornos and sex tapes in his apartments, before he eventually blinded his bride-to-be with his own semen. But what makes Andre truly one of the biggest douchebags in the history of TV sitcoms isn’t his cluelessness and desire to have the finer things in life, as much as it’s the hilariously awful clothing that he wears. In preparation for tonight’s first episode of the sixth season of The League, “Sitting Shiva,” I went back and watched every episode of the first five seasons on Netflix, and I put together this definitive and very scientific ranking of the worst outfits that Andre has ever worn, beginning with the banner image.
From the first episode of Season 2, Andre’s attire for his league’s Las Vegas poolside draft is pretty terrible, but then again for Vegas it’s basically standard wear. Therefore, it kicks off this ranking at No. 30, because things are only going to get way more offensive from here.
29. “Sunday at Ruxin’s”
Let he among us who hasn’t owned and worn a loud, terribly-designed t-shirt over a long-sleeved undershirt with a backwards hat cast the first stone. If this is among the least offensive of Andre’s wardrobes, then you know that this list is going to speed faster toward hell than the typical Jacksonville Jaguars season.
28. “Our Dinner with Andre”
Leniency can be granted for a man’s outfit when it’s freezing outside, but even a new ice age wouldn’t be a valid enough excuse for a guy to dress like an extra from Demolition Man.
27. “The Expert Witness”
What’s worse than Andre in any normal setting or circumstance? Andre the artist preparing to paint a nude portrait of Taco. A black turtleneck is already a bad move unless your name is Sterling Archer, but the metal penis helmet really seals the douche deal.
26. “Heavy Petting”
Lose the scarf (and the disgusting van that had Heavy Petting painted on the side) and maybe replace the designer jeans with a regular pair, and this wouldn’t be a terrible look. Or maybe save the scarf for something more formal, like the funeral of someone who was a total badass. (Hey, I never said that I’m not a douchebag, too. I write from experience.)
Sometimes I wonder if Andre’s outfits – I think about them a lot, at least when I’m watching each episode – wouldn’t be so terrible if he didn’t have all of those hideous hats. But I’m pretty sure that this terrible three-piece pinstripe t-shirt nightmare would still be awful without the fedora.