This week’s “Chapter Four” of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare was a curious episode. A lot technically happened, yet the plot is still moving at a snail’s pace. When does this big twist happen again? Episode six? Good gravy. On the plus side, lead characters Shelby and Matt no longer insist that hillbillies are terrorizing them and are finally willing to admit that their property is haunted, but they still, stupidly, refuse to leave the house because their niece Flora is still hanging out in the woods somewhere. This, in itself, is annoying because Flora is a character nobody was ever invested in who was only introduced as a device for keeping our intrepid heroes from leaving harm’s way. But in good news, Shelby and Matt were finally reunited with Flora at the end of this episode! Bad news, they’re all about to be horribly murdered by dead colonists who now have the power to do so thanks to some weird moon.
We also learned more about the mythology of the woods and the Roanoke colonists, as well as the backstory of Lady Gaga’s character, which is a plus because we got to bask in her awesome weirdness for part of the episode. As it turns out, her character is a descendant of druids who was a stowaway to America on a ship from England, and later blamed for deaths aboard the ship. She was sentenced to being burned at the stake, but managed to murder the entire camp before that happened, so they weren’t entirely wrong about her after all.
But aside from Lady Gaga — and I’m just going to use her name since her character doesn’t yet have one of her own — just about every other single character in this episode continued to do really dumb things, leading up to the aforementioned imminent slaughter. Here’s a ranking of the characters from least to most dumb.
8. Pig-Headed Man
Other than getting an axe to the back from that Dr. Cunningham guy, the pig-headed man wasn’t really in the episode enough to do anything too stupid, but it’s just nice to be mentioned. And just to be clear, that’s definitely Evan Peters under there, right?