The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.
10. Paige (Last week: 3)
Paige seems to be on an “in an episode, not in an episode” carousel. Carousel might be the wrong word. Carousels imply fun and laughing and small children enjoying themselves. This is more of a… bad carousel. One where the horsies have been replaced with… bad things. I swear this all made sense when I started typing it. What I’m getting at is that it does not seem like fun to be Paige right now, even when she’s off-screen.
I wonder what she was up to. After last week, it could have been anything, from curling up in her bed for days at a time to punching a scarecrow that she outfitted with a Pastor Tim wig. She might have just been walking around the neighborhood in a catatonic state, creeping out all the neighbors and house pets. “There goes that Jemnings girl,” people will say while looking out their living room window. “Something’s not right with that one.”
9. Henry (Last week: Not ranked)
Henry is cool and pumped about the mail robot and other dope spy stuff, which is all both great and Classic Henry. And he got the go-ahead to go to his new school if he gets accepted, which is even better and would probably be a decent CW show. But I do worry because his comment about “the vault” caused his parents’ eyes to light up a little. It’s their spying training, deep in their reptile brains. They can’t help it. For one teeny tiny second, they thought of Henry as an asset who can get them information from the vault, somehow. This will not do. Get my man to boarding school.
8. Mail robot (Last week: Not ranked)
Welcome back, old friend. Good to see you. Don’t let Stan’s snide little comments get you down, even if he does have a point what with the thing where you were compromised by the KGB in a scheme that resulted in an innocent old woman’s death. You’re doing great. Keep up the good work.