The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.
10. Henry (Last week: Not ranked)
Henry is the only happy and well-adjusted character on the show. He is excited about the possibility of going to a prestigious boarding school that will give him a chance to get into a good college. He might even get a scholarship, thanks to his own hard work and connections. It’s a great opportunity for him, not only for the future he knows it might provide, but also because it gives him a chance to escape the hellscape of a life his sister is trapped in, unbeknownst to him. He looks happy and hopeful. If he can just convince his parents to let him go, things might actually turn out okay for him.
But nothing good ever happens to anyone on this show, especially not if they think it might, so he’s probably doomed. I can’t talk about it anymore. It’s too upsetting. LET HENRY LIVE, THE AMERICANS. GEEZ.
9. Elizabeth (Last week: 6)
Elizabeth didn’t have to kill anyone or teach her emotionally devastated teenage daughter how to ward off violent hobos or hike any trails with Ben (all equally bad, in my book), so this episode should have been a winner for her. But it’s not always the big things that can wear you down. Sometimes it’s little things, like a motherly instinct kicking in and wanting to bring Tuan dinner and keep him company, only to find the house suspiciously empty, thus triggering her ultra high-alert DEFCON 3 spy senses. Lady can’t catch a break, even when she’s just trying to do something nice.
8. Dmitri the grocer (Last week: Not ranked)
This poor guy. What did he ever do to anyone? He’s just out there in Russia, making the best of an impossible situation, greasing some palms to get some nice nectarines, doing what every other grocer has to do to get by, and next thing he knows he’s locked up in a glorified dungeon getting squeezed for information about dangerous crime bosses who might murder him and his family. That’s a rough swing. I hope some other grocers show up to break him out of prison. Using regular things you’d find in a grocery store. Like they take out some guards by winging cans of soup at them, and others by dumping vegetable oil on the ground behind them as they flee. I hope they all band together to take down the crime boss themselves. Vigilante grocers. Gabriel can advise them. He’s got time on his hands.