‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Philip And His Mustache Have Had Enough

05.24.17 1 month ago 5 Comments

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The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

10. Claire Louise, the bilingual baby (Last week: Not ranked)

The truth is that I’m actually excited for Claire Louise, the infant child of Pastor Tim, who is off to Buenos Aires with her family after the KGB landed Tim a new job far, far away from Paige and her crumbling teenage existence. I mean, Buenos Aires! Not a bad deal for little Claire Louise. I’m happy anytime someone on this show escapes to sunny South America. (I hope Oleg and Stan move to Rio and get a bachelor pad together, like the Two Wild and Crazy Guys sketch from SNL, but with former spies.) The only reason I’m including her is that things are going to get dark as we make our way through this list, and I wanted to open things up with an image of a happy baby on a beach in Argentina.

9. Henry (Last week: Same)

The thing about Henry is that there’s another shoe preparing to drop and it is going to suck tremendously for him when it does. Someday, maybe not today, maybe not for a while, his parents are going to announce that they’re all moving back to Russia and Henry’s plans — the fancy private school, the math, the burgeoning romance with Kris, who is definitely his girlfriend or at least wants to be, because you don’t help someone cook a dinner you’re not going to eat unless there’s something else going on there — are going straight to heck. He’s going to be so sad. He’s the only character on the show who is even approaching normal, which is a minor miracle with all the chaos taking place around him, and he’s just going to be ruined by it all.

Kris will be so sad, too. I imagine you don’t get to say goodbye when you flee to Russia under the cover of night with your murderous spy family. It’ll be so confusing for both of them. I choose to believe there’s an outcome here where they get married and move to California and start a billion-dollar tech company.

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8. Elizabeth (Last week: 1)

Quiet night for Elizabeth, relatively speaking, but please note the thing where Paige threw her cross necklace in the trash and Elizabeth fished it out, causing me to think for one second that she was doing a loving mom thing, only to find out that she was doing a cold-blooded spy thing to keep the ruse going. Everyone on this show is broken in unfixable ways.

7. Mischa (Last week: Not ranked)

I’m very happy for Mischa that he found, like, someone. An uncle isn’t quite a father, and you can tell even this guy has deep and unsettled issues with Philip being the smart one who gets the glory of being a spy in America, but again, it’s something. Although part of me wants Martha to adopt him. I don’t know why. Imagine Philip’s face if that happens and he finds out. He would frown so hard that his whole face slides off his skull.

6. Tuan (Last week: Not ranked)

It’s not that I worry something bad will happen to Tuan. Tuan is a survivor, and he’s bordering on heartless, as the Pasha suicide drama revealed, especially once he got to the “and even if he dies” part of the plan. Tuan seems like someone who would hit you with a brick the second he suspected you were plotting against him, even if you weren’t and you were just a waiter at Denny’s who accidentally gave him ham instead of sausage in his omelette. No, I worry about Tuan’s soul. You’ve gotta be catastrophically messed up to propose a plan of action that involves driving a sad teenager to suicide, especially if you are a teenager yourself. Tuan needs counseling, in a very bad way.

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