The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.
10. Pastor Tim (Last week: Not ranked)
I feel kind of bad for Pastor Tim. He didn’t ask for any of this, you know? A few years ago he was just a regular member of the clergy who was focused on helping the poor and maintaining his wavy hair. Life was nice and simple. Now, he has a babysitter who is the daughter of Russian spies and is all torn up about it, so he’s taking it upon himself to explain Marxism to her so she can understand her parents better. Life comes at you fast.
9. Oleg’s Mom (Last week: Not ranked)
Oleg’s Mom was a lock for the top three this week. Stone cold lock. Oleg sat her down and told her about the problems he’s having, and she was just a mess. I literally had a note written that said “OLEG WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT, YOU KNOW IT WILL KILL HER.” The woman has been through so much.
Ahhh, but then. Then we learned that Oleg’s mom spent five years in a camp “doing what she had to do to survive,” and it was like, oh, I get it, Oleg’s mom is a tough bird. She just wants her boy to be happy and alive, because she already lost one son and still isn’t quite right about it. And if that happiness requires treason or violence or whatever, that’s fine with her.
8. Renee (Last week: 10)
There are two possibilities here:
NUMBER ONE: Renee was the only non-spy at the restaurant double date with Philip and Elizabeth, and she was oblivious to it all while telling stories about a youth spent climbing on garbage. Not unreasonable to assume, both because we really have no reason to believe otherwise at this point, and because even Stan is oblivious about Philip and Elizabeth. On the other hand…
NUMBER TWO: Renee was the best spy at the table and is working for the Russians (to get intel on Stan and keep a secret eye on her increasingly insubordinate countrymen), the CIA (to see what the deal was with Stan and Oleg and Nina and that whole deal), or like, someone else (rogue assassin!). Again, I have no proof of this, but I believe it with all of my heart. I half-expected the camera to tilt down under the table and reveal that she was holding a gun with a silencer attached.
Renee has secrets. I know it.
7. Elizabeth (Last week: 7)
Elizabeth and Philip have a new mission: seduce bug scientists in Kansas. While the two of them using sex to work assets is nothing new, they seem conflicted about this one. Especially Elizabeth, who is not prone to internal crises, and yet appeared to have one while hooking up with the character I have chosen to refer to as Ben the Nature Dip.
Something to keep an eye on.
6. Philip (Last week: 7)
Philip always has problems, and he seemed to take the Russian dad’s vitriol against their country oddly well, but mostly I just felt bad for him when he was striking out with Deirdre the Bug Scientist on that payphone.
5. Assorted American Bug Scientists (Last week: Not ranked)
This has been a rough season so far for America’s top secret bug scientists. Last week, poor Randy had his neck snapped in his lab for the crime of not knowing enough to satisfy the KGB. This week, Ben and Deirdre are in the crosshairs. Deirdre might make it out of this thanks entirely to her apparent staggering lack of interest in Philip (years of Russian seduction training are useless against her and I love it), but Ben is done for, man. He was a goner the second Elizabeth — I’m sorry, “Brenda” — walked into that health food store in her acid wash jeans. This will not end well for the Nature Dip.
4. Mischa (Last week: 2)
Mischa has finally made it to America after sneaking across a border inside a refrigerator (it was a whole thing, there was soccer chat involved), which is good, I guess? I don’t know. I just don’t see this working out the way he hopes. I picture him knocking on the door and announcing “Hello, I am Mischa, your secret Russian son,” and then Henry staring with those big empty video game eyes as he tries to process it all. And that’s before we get to the Stan thing, where Mischa’s real long-lost dad is neighbors with an FBI agent who might have questions about this strange Russian teen calling his best friend “Papa.” This can’t turn out the way he wants for a ton of reasons. Mischa is going to get his heart broken.
3. Oleg (Last week: 3)
Lots going on with Oleg this week, between him continuing to get squeezed by the CIA and him proving himself to be an honorable dude by trying to avoid using an endangered child to squeeze as Russian grocer over illicit produce. I’ve said before that a person smiling on this show is the surest possible sign that they’re facing imminent doom, but doing the right thing in a situation like this is a close number two.
I do love that he’s now interrogating people while wearing a leather jacket, though. I hope he starts wearing sunglasses next episode. I would watch a cop show about Oleg the Renegade Fruit Detective.
2. Paige (Last week: 4)
The thing with Paige teetering into espionage is unsettling to me for a number of reasons, but nowhere near as unsettling as how close she came to getting her mom to admit that a big part of spying is trying to hump nature geeks in the Midwest. Stop asking questions, Paige! You don’t want to know!
1. Stan (Last week: 5)
Like Oleg, Stan is an honorable man in a profession where that can sometimes be a handicap. Although I guess we should throw “honorable” in quotes because he is kind of using a cold-blooded murder he committed to blackmail the American government into going easy on a potential Russian asset during the Cold War. It’s a perspective thing, really.
Between this and whatever Renee is up to — RENEE IS UP TO SOMETHING — I spend more time worrying about Stan than I do about some members of my family. It’s very normal.
